6/24/2010

Caruso

CSI taught me that to solve murders in Las Vegas you look at bugs, and it works every time! To solve crimes in Miami you take off your sunglasses and say clever things quietly. To solve crimes in New York you actually film in Los Angeles. And, that there will always be room for another CSI as long as they dont run out of songs by The Who.

I have come to the inescapable, but not unexpected conclusion that there is not a movie in existence that would not be improved X20 if you were to go back in time and replace either the main hero or the main villain with David Caruso.

Except for the movies where he already plays one of those roles, you couldn't replace him in the other role too.

Like Face/Off, you couldn't have David Caruso vs. David Caruso wearing each other's faces pretending to be each other.

Or, wait a minute...

*goes back to drawing board and re-checks my equations...

YES, YOU COULD.

                                                         David Caruso only wants to help.

On CSI MIAMI, David Caruso portrays not a mortal, but rather an archangel of both mercy AND vengeance, with the power to sense both corruption AND desperate need. His blaze of burning ginger hair is his fiery halo, and his Colt .45 s his terrible swift sword. When Caruso shows up, it is only a matter of time before the guilty are smote and the endangered are given haven. He puts on his sunglasses whenever his holy wrath is set aflame, otherwise his gaze would incinerate Emily Proctor and Adam Rodriguez as happened at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. When Roger Daltrey screams at the beginning of each episode, it is the sound of Armageddon being initiated by the sins of man, and he can hear it, and he knows that he can only forestall the deluge upon this Earth by correcting the iniquity.




3/31/2010

Boast

Let it be known to ALL, that Tom is who I be,

Son of Carl, born of Ann, stewed in fury and pierced by hooks of lust, and think not that I cannot see you and your craven scheming through my hot, bloody tears, for I have wept them so long that I no longer feel them.

It be mine intention to resist any and all tasks as dictated by unworthy castle-mice, to resist any and all baitings by those whose egos weigh down their very heads like they were chained by the neck to ingots, and to meet hatred with much more of same than such newborn, beardless children as may seek to employ such rage against my person may have ever dreamt of, for hatred is my curse and the blood in my veins.

And yet I turn from this malice and toward the love and mercy of our Father and his Son and that Spirit that shine down their love upon us, and my accomplishments are that I have turned away from vengeance and allowed those who've crossed me to live on, to learn from their errors or to sink or swim upon such rafts as their souls may have built or failed to build. Let them sink or sail as their hearts merit.

One day I shall be gone and with me all of this fury and all of this confusion. I shall take it with me and return it to the Crippled one from whom it came as I pass through on my way to the world beyond, where I shall surely await you and meet you at the gate.

So say I. Raise your glasses.

2/01/2010

The Intercession

The nurse left work at five o’clock. She did not like to remain one minute longer than she was obligated, because she had cats. Upon her departure, the doctor closed the door to his office and sat back in his chair with a scotch and water, and after slowly savoring this remedy to the stresses of the day and of dealing with the nurse, he too left. Then, there was only Graciela.

In most places Graciela would be known as the doctor’s receptionist, but here in this town she was known to all as Graciela, as in “Graciela who in her teens had been crowned the queen at the summer’s festival of Santa Lucia three times!”, or “Graciela who accompanied the nuns on their trip to visit the holy place and brought back with her a puppy.” There are those who knew her as “Graciela who pummeled a street thief with a bag of squash and was therefore not robbed of her bag of squash”, and those who knew her as “Graciela who taught me how to dance and now thanks to her kind instruction I am married to a blessed, sainted woman and I must now go home”.

Graciela with a small broom dusted the office and swept the corners. The phone at her desk rang, and she went to answer it, waiting until the third ring.

“Hello, this is Doctor Armendariz’s office.”

“Graciela, thank God it is you. Please, can you help me?”

“What is it?”

“When I move my elbow, it does not feel right.”

“Well, you will have to ask Doctor Armendariz about it. Would you like to see him tomorrow?”

“It feels funny.”

“Tomorrow at ten? “

“It feels like, when you crack a walnut and the walnut snaps? It feels like that walnut.”

“Doctor Armendariz will be very anxious to see your elbow.”

“Graciela, what am I to do? I am no good like this. How am I to cook? I can hardly change the dial on my television!”

“You must come in and let Doctor Armendariz see your elbow at the earliest opportunity.”

“Will I be able to go to my daughter’s wedding this June?”

“Only Doctor Armendariz will know for sure.”

“Why do these things happen to us?”

“Will you come in tomorrow at ten?”

“My daughter needs me. I have to make the zizzitza for her wedding.”

“You are a good mother to your daughter. Will you come in tomorrow at ten?”

“Her father was a saint.”

“He would want you to come see Doctor Armendariz.”

“Now she is to be married to that boy.”

“What a happy day that will-”

“That boy’s mother cannot cook worth a damn. What is she going to cook? People have to eat. It is a wedding!”

“It is good that you are involved.”

“I must be strong.”

“Doctor Armendariz will do all he can for you when you come to see him tomorrow at ten.”

“You are so good to me, Graciela. I know that you will not let my elbow ruin my life and my daughter’s wedding day. Bless you. Bless you.”

“Thank you, Marisol, we will see you tomorrow at ten.”

“Bless you!” Then, to another in the room, “Graciela will know what to do tomorrow at ten!”

Graciela continued sweeping, and the phone did not ring again. At the door, she paused a moment to give it one last chance, which it did not take advantage of (this time), and finally left for the day with her bag, locking the door behind her.

end