Studios Development Department Offices
Ted: Whattya got?
Harry: OK, picture this: It's little Red Riding Hood...
Ted: I Hate it.
Harry: But SEXY!
Ted: I LOVE IT! Greenlight. No wait, you'd better tell me more.
Harry: Um,... really? (pauses) Gosh... OK. I got it. The Kindly Woodsman is a Robert Pattinson type in black leather pants.
Ted: You read my mind.
Harry: The wolf is really a Vampire!
Ted: Yes! Wait, what? Why?
Harry: Well, I want millions of dollars, not just hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Ted: But the Wolf doesn't need to be a vampire, he can just be a werewolf.
Harry: But... (mumbles) I'm on Team Edward...
Ted: Huh?
Harry: Nothing. Fine. Werewolf. Let's move on.
Ted: Get to the Sex!
Harry: Well, she's doinkin' the Woodsman, obviously.
Ted: Go on...
Harry: And then, let's throw in a triangle... Let's see... Team Woodsman... The other guy is good-looking, but not TOO good-looking...
Ted: He DOESN'T wear leather pants.
Harry: No, he's like more of a sheepskin guy. Brown hair. No gel.
Ted: Girls HATE guys with brown hair and no gel. They always go for the gel.
Harry: So, Team Gel and Team No Gel.
Ted: Team No Gel is going to be a pretty small team.
Harry: (mumbles) If you'd let me put vampires in...
Ted: NO VAMPIRES!
Harry: No Vampires. But...it still needs something...
Ted: We got a triangle, We got the leather pants... What else...
(They are silent for a moment)
Harry: (Slams hands on knees) I GOT IT! A WHODUNIT!!!
Ted: Who done what?
Harry: Who ate the Gramma!!!
Ted: But the Wolf ate the Gramma!
Harry: BUT WHO IS THE WOLF??? RIGHT????
Ted: (kind of drops jaw in amazement) oh my gawd...
Harry: RIGHT??? IT'S A WEREWOLF!!! It could be anybody!!!
Ted: YES! So Who IS it!
Harry: Who cares? Make it anybody. But throw suspicion on EVERYBODY!
Ted: The Gramma?
Harry: YES!
Ted: The Woodsman?
Harry: YES!
Ted: Wait, I'm trying to wrap my mind around this.
Harry: What's to wrap?
Ted: Well, we're making a movie about Red Riding hood where she's doinking the woodsman and the wolf is a werewolf, OK, that writes itself, but if we're going to then try and be like, "What if the GRAMMA is the Wolf, and what if the WOODSMAN is the wolf, then I feel like we're getting too trippy.
Harry: Nic Cage.
Ted: Come again?
Harry: Nic Cage. Put him in there as a werewolf-hunting detective. Van Helsing with a sword!
Ted: Wait a minute. Who's the good guy here? The Wolf? The Woodsman? The Van Helsing? I'm confused.
Harry: .... Are you?
Ted: Yes!
Harry: As confused as... a teenage girl?
Ted: ... (pauses) BRILLANT. Harry my man, you are one sensitive male.
Harry: (beams delightedly) Chicks tell me that a lot.
Ted: So, back to Cage. Is he good or bad? He'll play whatever. He can play both. I just want to know which it is.
(Harry closes eyes. After a moment, raises hands in the air and begins to move them about, conducting music only he can hear.)
Harry: hmmmm......... werewolves, curses........religious angle...... twilight fangirls.... hot topic merchandise..... wiccans......... He's BAD.
Ted: Cage's bad? Harry: He's bad. A total cock-blocker. Buzzkill in a goatee. Bad.
Ted: So is the wolf good?
Harry: He's good because he's interesting, and he's furry, but let's be honest. The only person the girls are gonna root for is the woodsman.
Ted: Team Gel.
Harry: Anyone else is just in the way.
Ted: So OK, the wolf's bad, and Nicholas Cage is bad,... You know what? What's the conflict?
Harry: Well, I think it's classic Wolf vs. Woodsman. Plus Cage,... Wait a minute, that's two conflicts. Now I'm getting twisted up around this thing...
Ted: It's ok, I got this. You have to look though the plot and all the distractions and see, really, what is at stake for the main character? What is she trying to do?
Harry: Doink the Woodsman?
Ted: DOINK THE WOODSMAN. EXACTLY. So, who's in her way?
Harry: The other guy who wants to doink her!
Ted: No, he's not really in her way. He's just there as a trope. Think about it! Who is always interfering with teen-age girls and their boyfriends?
Harry: THE DAD!!!!!! She has a dad?
Ted: She does now! (they high-five)
Harry: The dad's the wolf.
Ted: He eats the Gramma?
Harry: She's the mother in law! Of course he eats her. He's fed up with her and her bullcrap.
Ted: No can do.
Harry: Wait, why?
Ted: My name's gonna be on this thing. Have you met my mother in law? She'll know it was me. She reads into everything. Her and my wife get together,.....You want me sleeping on the couch? The dad can't eat his mother-in-law. That's just how it is.
Harry: Well, you want him eating his own mother?
Ted: I'm OK with that.
Harry: Weird. OK, well, we got the gel triangle, the whodunit, the doinking, the buzzkilling, the wolf, ... Who's gonna direct?
Ted: Throw me some names...
Harry: Michael Bay!
Ted: Perfect! Lemme shoot some emails here... (types)
Harry: Who can we get to merchandise this? McDonald's obviously.... Do a theme with how hungry wolves get and he'll eat a Big Mac. Teenage girls in red hoodies... it's too easy. Can we get Evanescence on the soundtrack?
Ted: No, they broke up.
Harry: Shit, Muse then.
Ted: Muse with Amy Lee doing Guest Vocals!
Harry: Aerosmith!
Ted: Bad news. Bay just replied to my email. He's out.
Harry: Why?
Ted: He's doing a remake of Sophie's Choice.
Harry: That's gonna be AWESOME!
Ted: Cage is out too, he just replied.
Harry Why?
Ted: He's booked. I'm sending you a link he just sent me. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eExfV_xKaiM ).
Harry: Wow! Those all look like winners! Who else will do any movie they get offered?
Ted: Oldman.
Harry: You are a genius. I'm not worthy! (They shake hands)
Harry: OK, I gotta go, the secretary gave me a spec script she thinks I should check out. It's a movie about the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick maker. It's an allegory about gay marriage. I'm thinking Gyllenhall, musical, set in the roaring thirties. Like Newsies.
Ted: That's GOLD! I want a piece!
Harry: You got it! I'm out! (exits)
Ted: (starts typing, sings) "burnin' the ground, I break from the crowd, AND I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!!!!!!!......."
