Tuesday morning was warm and sunny, with a pleasant breeze blowing down Main Street, ruffling the ladies’ hair, and making the tulips dance in the flowerboxes on the balconies of the apartments in the townhouses which lined the way, as Mr. Edward Nelson, looking quite well turned out in his tan three-piece suit and pastel tie, strolled to his job at the Stribling Building. His morning strolls to work were among his favorite activities, and he looked forward to seeing all of his friends and acquaintances along the way. This morning, he stopped at Gina’s sidewalk diner for a light breakfast of toast and juice, and also at the ReadyTime Florist shop to pick up a dozen pink carnations for his wife. Having them in water in his office throughout the day would bring a pleasant and relaxing scent to his workplace, and his wife would certainly adore seeing them later.
The Stribling Building was the newest in town, and at 14 floors, also the tallest. The front was smartly paned with reflective glass windows that let the sunlight in but deflected the day’s heat, providing invigorating natural light to visitors in the lobby. Nelson greeted the receptionist and the security guard (Blanche and Harvey, respectively) and they cheerfully greeted him back, their spirits no doubt lively as much from each other’s good company as from their bright surroundings.
Harvey stepped into the elevator, and was happy to hear the sound system in working order. “Oh, good, elevator music!” he smiled to himself, and began to hum along. Just as the door was almost closed, he spotted three girls running lightly to try to catch it. Luckily, he was able to hit the “open” button in time!
The girls were Tuesday Lewis, Kathy King, and Laurie Smith, local girls from the high school. They were dressed very prettily in sun dresses and light jackets, and each carried lemonade in a paper cup. Nelson knew each of them by name, as they had been in the building many times, visiting Tuesday’s uncle Brian, and also through his various volunteer projects in the community. Tuesday’s mother Martha had been good friends with his wife Marge since childhood.
The girls flooded onto the elevator, with giddy cries of “Thank you, Mr. Nelson!” sailing in their constant laughter. “Well, girls, no school today?” Nelson kidded them as he hit the button to the 14 th floor.
“No, no Mr. Nelson, We’re not playing hooky, we promise!” pleaded Kathy ebulliently. Laurie chimed in, “Today is parent-teacher conferences!!! I am in SO MUCH TROUBLE if that mean Mr. Laurence tells my mom how I was passing notes in algebra! Omigod!!!”
Kathy lightly slugged Laurie in the arm. “I’m so sure! I’m going to be in trouble too, thanks a lot! I didn’t even want to read your stupid note!”
“ But it was important!” giggled Kathy, flush with embarrassment. “Yeah, right.” dismissed Laurie.
“Why was it so important, Kathy?” indulged Nelson, giving her a chance, since she obviously wanted to explain herself.
“I just had to ask….” she interrupted herself with a burst of laughter, “just had to ask if she had read my note from YESTERDAY!” And with that, Nelson and all three girls had a good laugh. Poor Kathy was almost in tears.
“I think Mr. Laurence is nice,” offered Tuesday. He lets me sit away from stupid Matt Krattkey, even though I should be in front of him, alphabetically.” The other girls nodded, shuddering at the thought of Matt, who they all deemed “so gross”.
“Well, I’ll bet you girls get good reviews,” offered Nelson. “Oh, thank you, we hope so, too,” chimed the girls.
“You guys,” Tuesday began, “Did you know that Mr. Nelson’s wife and my mom were friends back in high school?” As she spoke, she reached into her purse and pulled out a large, live rat, which squirmed and writhed furiously in her hand.
“No, for real,” she continued. Mrs. Nelson made me a quilt one year, and I still have it!” She raised the enraged rodent to her mouth, rolled it over, and took a large bite out of its back, pulling away with a mouthful of meat, blood and spine.
As the rat spasmed and shrieked in her steel grip, the other girls looked on in astonishment. “TUESDAY!!!! OMIGOD!!!! YOU BROUGHT A RAT???” they shouted.
“Yeph” said Tuesday with her mouth full, then laughed at her lack of etiquette. “Phorry..” she tittered, a few drops of blood spraying out of her mouth.
“Well, you just brought one?” accused Kathy.
“Yeah, … do you want some?”
“Omigod, yes, I am so hungry!!!!”
Tuesday clutched the rat’s body in both hands, and ripped it in two. She handed the ass, legs, and tail end to Kathy, who immediately chomped right into its buttocks, sucking like it was an oyster.
Laurie, meanwhile, stomped a foot. “Aw, no fair! I want some!!!!!”
“Well, I’m phorry, Laurie! I only had one!” pleaded Tuesday.
Kathy handed Laurie a dangling leg, attached to a twitching tail.
“But you ate the guts! That’s my favorite part!!!!”
Kathy was actually chewing on the rat’s guts at that very moment, savoring the feces within. “Well, you should have said something sooner…” she said without sympathy.
Nelson, through all of this, merely shook his head. With a sigh, he reached over and hit the emergency stop button on the control panel, and crossed his arms, waiting quietly until he had their attention.
When they all looked in his direction, he began. “Girls. I have to say, I am a little surprised at you. Tuesday, you know you shouldn’t eat rats, or anything else, while standing up in public! Eating is for the dinner table, or picnic tables….” Nelson smiled kindly and went on.
“And Kathy. As good a friend as Tuesday is to you, you still had to guilt her into giving you half of what was really hers. That is really not how a friend acts, is it?” Kathy shook her head, looking down. “And Laurie, if you guilt a friend into sharing, it’s not really sharing at all, is it?” “No, I guess not, Mr. Nelson.” Laurie toed the floor shyly, and handed the leg and tail axle back to Kathy. “Here, Kathy. You eat it.” Kathy’s eyes lit up as she palmed the carcass fragment. Tuesday, meanwhile, continued chewing on the rat’s neck, being careful not to ruin the cervical spine (along with the head, her Uncle Brian’s favorite).
Nelson sat down on the floor of the elevator. The girls also sat in a circle around him, eager to hear the rest of what he had to say. “Girls, working at this surveying and titling firm has taught me a lot of important lessons, but the most important lesson is this; the best kind of friend to have is the kind you can count on, and the kind that you take pride in their being able to count on you. And, when you have friends like that, that’s better than gold!” The girls nodded in agreement, smiling at each other, and reaching for each other’s hands.
“That’s right,” said Nelson. “Now, I think you girls have learned a valuable lesson about friendship today…” “We sure have,” cooed each of the girls, than laughed at how they each had said the same thing at the same time. Nelson continued, “And I hate to see such good kids be disappointed or hungry, so I guess I can help out with that…”
“What do you mean, Mr. Nelson?” asked Tuesday, as they all stood back up. “Well, I was going to save this for my lunch today, but I think I’d rather you girls had this…” and he pointed to his buttocks.
Laurie’s eyes grew wide with delight. “Do you mean….”
“Yes, girls, It so happens I have a live rat in my rectum right now! And while your rat was a nice size, Laurie, I think you’ll find that this one is a meal fit for a duke!”
The girls clapped and bounced up and down.
“You’re just going to have to help me pull it out, if you don’t mind,”
“Oh, not at all, Mr. Nelson!!!!!” squealed the girls delightedly as he let his pants fall to the floor and bent over.
Minutes later, after they had let the elevator continue its ascent to the 14 th floor, they emerged together, laughing and finishing the last bites of their lunch. Nancy, the courier from the eastside branch, was waiting for them. “Well,” she exclaimed, “I was wondering what was keeping that gosh-darned elevator! What are you pals up to? “
“Oh, you know, Nancy,” called Tuesday over her shoulder as they ran to Uncle Brian’s office, “Just a little early lunch!”
“Those girls,” chuckled Nelson. “Hey, Nancy, you wouldn’t happen to have any rats on you, would you? I just gave away my lunch!”
fini
Thomas Caniglia
Honolulu, HI
August 2007
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