It hasn't been an easy past couple of years so this post isn't pretty toward the end... Twin Peaks has been accepted by new generations and that has meant noobsplaining articles in my FB feed and FB TP groups with people making twee little TP images and I swear if I see another picture of black and white zig-zag socks or earrings I will just explode like on Scanners.... Why do these things bother me so much?
I don't know, but there is almost certainly some of that ol' "I liked it before it was cool" mentality at play, I admit it, but c'mon... 28 (NOT 25!) years later, I think I'm entitled to a little of that. There's more to it though. As I've said to quizzical looks, David Lynch art is in my heart. My heartbeats are the pulses of David Lynch plot outlines. I have always, since Dune, felt like I was something that fell out of a David Lynch movie into this much more boring and hopeless world we live in, and when I watched his weird moviescapes, I felt like a fish that was put back into the water by gentle hands. So, I'm not trying to stake some claim for hipster style bragging rights, I am rather talking about something that I genuinely love and want others to be careful with.
I WANTED to find other Lynch fans, and sometimes I found people who at least knew his stuff, but I never ever found another actual FAN. Another person who found Lynch's scary and beautiful movies to actually be their home.
(Special mention to Levi and Thomas Ahern for our TP marathons in the misawa barracks. Jack Hope though for his funny description of Eraserhead back in 89 to me, and also to Jack, Dan Mejia, Larry Palmer, and Brian Kirke for letting me show them Blue Velvet. Eric Wade, I'm sorry that I took you to Wild at Heart, that was wrong of me. I've always felt bad about it. Chris Prewitt, you were my Donna Hayward. Jeff, remember watching the big reveal episode in your dorm room at UNL??? That was one of the best days of my life).
(Does it surprise anyone to know that Cody Grassman would insult David Lynch TO MY FACE? Now you know why Tales of Grassman exists).
There was a day, back in 96, when I was talking to a roommate of mine (not by choice, thanks military), kind of an arse, but a rare person back then who actually knew anything about Twin Peaks at all, and I said, "Twin Peaks will be back", and he said, "Dude, Twin Peaks will NEVER come back." Well, I knew that it would be, even if I had to bring it back myself. And there is one of the sorest spots over the past 2 years...
An idea that had long simmered was bubbling into coherence: I had a decent set of ideas for TP novels, prequel AND sequel. Star Wars or Star Trek expanded novel universe type novels, if you know what I mean. I had it. I just couldn't do it alone. I've always wanted a writing partner to help me get my random and chaotic ideas beaten into form, and I've approached many of my friends about collaborating, and none of them have wanted to do it. All these aspiring writers I know who don't write, and none of them have accepted my offer. But I specifically tried to recruit Jon Moore who I had thought was a kindred soul to help me put my TP ideas to paper and we would sell it to Lynch's company and become wealthy gadabouts, and he also balked. But, as you know, f*k Jon Moore.
I had such great ideas for the prequel. The teens would be Harry Truman, Jerry Horne, Hawk, and Hank Jennings, Slightly older teens would be Ben Horne, Ed Hurley and Norma, and James Hurley's mom Linda, working with Blackie at the Perfume counter at Horne's Department Store, young curious women in trouble finding their way to be exotic dancers at One-Eyed Jacks, the mysterious club owned by Elmon Horne, father of Ben, pitiless and cold as ice. Linda Hurley's dancer name? Anastasia Mysterie! Elmon's friend Andrew Packard would be there as would Andrew's admiring young sister Catherine, not yet hard and bitter, a young woman who thinks her big brother will always be there for her.
We'd see how Harry had dreams and plans to see the world, and how those dreams were destroyed. We'd see Harry's Father, the town sheriff, and how he tried so hard to set his son free but failed when his health failed him. Harry's father's best friend and fellow Bookhouse Boy Miles Lanterman (husband of the log lady), who dies in the woods when he witnesses an unholy fire and the spirit champion who rises to fight it, the spirit lumberjack from the lodge (jurgen prochnow) in FWWM hacking away relentlessly against the evil spirits in the lodge as the woods burned all around him.
How about the sequel? How about Cooper running the Twin Peaks Sherriff's Department by day and running One-Eyed Jack's by night from the shadows, using Hank Jennings as his proxy? How about Andy and Lucy's Daughter, blonde teen in pink Sandy as the Sheriff's Dept receptionist, the smartest girl in town who detects mysteries to be solved? Soon to be the first Bookhouse GIRL? Oh yes, I think so. Her boyfriend Jack, son of Bobby and Shelley?
How about Deputy James Hurley, Sheriff Cooper's right-hand man? James, always drawn to women in trouble, is married to Ronette Pulaski. You're goddam right he is. And Big Ed? WITH NORMA, NADINE CHOSE MIKE.
What about Johnny Horne, reacting to Ben's death at Doctor Hayward's hands by coming out of his autism, donning glasses and a suit and tie, and taking control of his father's business interests, with the help of his new half-sister Donna? Johnny marrying Lana, who is having an affair with Bobby Briggs and another with Dick Tremayne, Johnny's pick to run Horne's Dept Store and other commercial interests. Johnny is as cold and calculating as his grandfather was, and cultivates a friendship with James Hurley in part just to watch James' awkward encounters with Donna. Dale, in both sides of his life, sees Johnny as his main rival just as Harry saw Ben Horne as the biggest threat to justice in TP. Cooper uses James to keep tabs on Johnny, and James, who likes Johnny and wants to be a good moderating influence on him, plays along.
Johnny bought the Packard mill and has Bobby and Mike running it, and Johnny's wife Lana uses her affairs with Bobby and Dick to keep a tacit hand in Johnny's business.
As far as Harry, he is retired. He hunts and fishes, and disbanded the bookhouse boys in Dale's advice. Hawk, of course, with Major Briggs and Big Ed keeps the Bookhouse Boys secretly active, along with James Hurley. Hawk knows that Harry won't be able to delude himself for long and will be back and the Boys will be waiting with open arms. Because of some secrets that Cooper's wife Annie has shared with him, Hawk knows something is wrong with Cooper, and James thinks that's absurd, but he's starting to come around....
All the characters who seemed to be dead at the end of the series finale back in 90 are in fact dead. Sorry, Audrey. Don't stand in front of bombs. As far as the magical aspects, well, we have our known unknowns in the lodge, and maybe a certain Phantom from Inland Empire might have to show up too.
I've never shared that with anyone, and now my thoughts are yours to enjoy. I had all this for you guys. I had all of this for the WORLD. All I needed was a little help, and I asked for it, and it never f*cking came. Once the series was announced to return, I knew I had a short window to get something in writing and maybe David would like it and use from it, but I also knew, deep down, that left on my own, I would never share my ideas with anyone in business.
I had to get this off of my chest before I watched the new episodes. I bit Lu's head off this morning on FB for farting out spoilers, but you know what? I'm off my meds, and she shouldn't have tried to noobsplain. I won't have it!!!
I also know that there are little millennial shits who'd like to degrade my ideas, but guess what... I was a half-formed, unbalanced personality and disgrace to my betters before they were even born, As Richard Dreyfuss said to his enemies in Trigger Happy, "When it comes to not giving a f*ck... YOU guys are DABBLERS" Keep your weak sh*t to your damn selves, noobs.
This screed was not pretty but it is the most honest I've been in years. None of this probably answered why this stuff bothers me so much, this TP revival and its many vocal fans. All I can say is, TP is my exposed heart like in the Jesus paintings, and the internet has been poking it. F*ck you, Internet.
Signing off...
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