7/18/2012

Hulk issue explained.

One guy posted: "I don't think I've ever seen the Hulk take an injury like Red Hulk took today in AvX #8"

Another guy answered: "Aunt May back in Hulk 349. in She violated the gray Hulk with an adamantium bat and lube. Waay worse".

I wrote:

Yes, a CLASSIC issue. Described here for those who haven't read it:

IRRITABLE HULK #349, "To Rise, But Yet to Fall" is widely considered to be Roy Thomas's Swan Song, his final masterpiece as a writer for Marvel Comics before defecting to DC to write about the '40's in a Little Rascals WWII title. John Byrne admits that after reading this masterpiece he just stopped trying to write and just started phoning it in. Brian Michael Bendis reports that it was the first Marvel comic he'd ever read as a child, having received it as a get-well present from his uncle when he had the willies, and that it inspired him to paint himself green, which landed him in the hospital again a week later. Ralph Macchio, mistakenly thinking this issue was guest-written by Kirby, was this issue's most vocal critic, initially bombarding "Greenskin's Grab Bag" with a flood of angry denunciations. Upon learning the truth, he blamed Shooter.

Lavishly illustrated by Al Milgrom and Don Perlin with a killer Hembeck cover, this issue is a dizzying mix of beloved cowboys from Marvel's revered western canon, relevant 80's social commentary about the "partying students vs. the dean" conflicts which were arising all over the nation, and a loving ode to Mort Weisinger.

Jim Shooter explains that he "suggested" (cracking his knuckles) the story to Roy, who didn't want to do the story, stormed out of the Marvel offices, shoving his way past Danny Fingerfroth and Bob DeNatale and spent the next three days hopped up on Maxwell House, rampaging around NYC, spray-painting obscene Shooter-directed graphitti all over storefronts and people's townhouses (the story goes that when confronted by police, the sickly, 5"1 Thomas warned in his queroulous, cracked voice that they wouldn't like him when he was angry. Actually, they had never liked him to begin with). Roy was not tall enough to have ever been able to see Shooter's face, so his caricatures were all guesswork, and really just looked like Gabe Kaplan from "Welcome Back Kotter", who wondered aloud, "What did I ever do to him?" in an interview with Johnny Carson.

It was while cooling his heels in a 10 x 10 cell that Thomas had the inspriation to do a story. Demanding a pencil and a ream of paper, and given a crayon and an empty cereal box, RT set to work penning his masterpiece among the teeming denizens of the drunk tank. When finally bailed out by Jerry Bails, Roy stormed back to Marvel and threw the cereal box across Shooter's desk, sneering triumphantly at his victory. Looking at it, Shooter saw that it was the exact same story he had asked for, and accepted the submission. Thomas declared a victory. Shooter ate his lunch and called the Knicks to see if they were hiring.

So, onto the story. It begins poignantly with a chiarascuro splash of Bruce wandering the desert, looking for his keys. They had been stolen by the Abomination in the previous issue (IRRATIONAL HULK #348, THESE KEYS MY DESTINY). As he walks, he thinks of how MODOK actually looks really funny, and starts cracking up. When he can't stop laughing, his risible agitation awakens the beast within him, and he transforms into the Hulk, bellowing his rage to the elements, "HULK LAUGH!!!"

In the lonely desert, the Hulk is confronted by the cowboy Ghost Rider and the Rawhide Kid who are looking for directions. After a few pages of roughhousing, the Hulk agrees to lead them to the nearest town, Albuquerque, NM. Passing a nearby casino, they are attacked by the Hobgoblin, who has devised a brand new Adamantium Bat Glider, and wants to try it out in NM where there are more open spaces. If all went well, he was planning to take over the Albuquerque crime rackets.

Coincidentally, Aunt May and Anna Watson have come to Albuquerque to escape the NYC winter and play KENO, and they are walking into the casino just as the Goblin attacks the Hulk. Hulk smashes a mighty green fist right into the Hobgoblin's midsection, liquifying his insides instantly, but the bat glider flies off wildly without him, swooping down and scooping up Aunt May, who miraculously gets her feet into the stirrups just in time ("Oh, my stars!!!").

Of course, May is a quick study, but not quick enough to divert the bat glider from flying into a nearby store front. Reaching frantically for something to grab, she grabs a bottle of Pennzoil, and as the Glider bursts out of the store's side wall, she, the bat glider, and the bottle of Pennzoil smash directly into the Hulk's purple-garbed gluteous gammaximus.

All are unhurt, but Hulk now has an unsightly hole in his then 25-year old pair of purple pants and there's oil everywhere. The cowboys are no help, since all they have are chaps. Fortunately, Rick Jones pops up in his long hair and cowboy hat and plays guitar, soothing the savage beast that is Aunt May and the Hulk as well, lulling everyone into slumber as he and the two time-displaced cowboys close out the issue with a sweet rendition of "Happy Trails".

3/23/2011

Spider-Man issue explained

"rayray" asked:

a friend of mine sent me this .gif and I can't for the life of me figure of who the other person in this picture is. Please help me out guys!!

also; this is my first post so I don't quite know how this works. I attached the pic so hopefully it'll show up?

I wrote: It's Doctor Doom.

Those are three panels (animated like a flip-book) from Roy Thomas's greatest Marvel epic, "The Atlantean-Dormammunanean War", in particular from the story "This Person, This Propeller", with art by a then up-and-coming John Byrne. Todd McFarlane and Alan Moore list this story as their biggest influence. It was this story that moved Jack Kirby to finally quit Marvel for good. He claimed that Roy Thomas had snuck into his house at night and used his evil telepathy to steal the ideas right out of the King's head while he slept (This was later proven to be true).

In the story, Doctor Doom finally fixes his face and decides to become a hero called the Crimson Cannonball. Leaving Latveria behind, he goes to New York sporting a brand new heroic red costume with a formidable looking red propeller helmet, intending to join the rest of the Marvel heroes in their battle against such villains as he himself.

Right off the bat, Doom falls madly in love with Janet Van Dyne, who was still mooning after Hank Pym, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, and Thor at the time. He and Peter Parker double date with Janet V.D. and Pepper Potts (fresh off of her break up with Tony Stark in the story "Madness is the Mosquito-Men"), but the restaurant is attacked by the Trapster and Paste Pot Pete (who had travelled there from the past to team up with himself, inspired by the Doom/Rama-Tut phenomenon).

The Trapster plants a spinning anti-gravity device upon the personage of Doom, while P.P.Pete keeps shooting his paste at the girls. Spidey tries to punch the device off of Doom (pictured) but he is not fast enough and keeps giving Doom gut-checks. At that moment, in the FF title, Galactus comes to earth for the first time, the FF get back from the Inhuman's kingdom, the Thing fights the Golden Age Punisher, the Surfer betrays Galactus, Johnny Storm goes into Galactus's ship, gets the Ultimate Nullifier, scares off Galactus, and Sue gives birth to Franklin.

Meanwhile, back at the Bistro, Peter finally gets the device off of Doom. Johnny Storm shows up with his best girl Doreen for some ice cream sundaes, and is dismayed to see paste all over the place. He talks the two villains into surrendering themselves because he will let them have a ride to the police station in his sweet hot rod, and he also offers them some Twinkies and Hostess Cupcakes, which I've never liked.

Doom, as the Crimson Cannonball, is welcomed into the ranks of the Avengers, and of course remains with them to this day, as their greatest hero. Peter and Pepper broke up, to the heartbreak of fans everywhere who loved having a couple with the same initials.

This story is referenced in Eric Clapton's "Layla", and Clapton himself says that the long piano bit at the end is a musical representation of the story's events. Sam Raimi said that he got literally thousands of e-mails from fans begging him to use this storyline as the basis for his Spider-Man 3, but says that he didn't feel that the medium of film could do it justice. "I'm not just going to set myself up for failing to bring to life the story that defined Marvel, what do I look like? A Schlemiel? A Schlemozzle?" The fans never forgave him, and Spider-Man 3 is widely reviled as a missed opportunity which should have been the Crimson Cannonball's. Fans today take heart that a new Spider Franchise is just around the corner, and are sure that Hollywood will listen to them this time and will bring "This Person, This Propeller" to vivid life on the silver screen.

1/10/2011

Red Riding Hood Pitch Meeting

Monday, Jan 10, 2011 1:00 pm

Studios Development Department Offices

Ted: Whattya got?

Harry: OK, picture this: It's little Red Riding Hood...

Ted: I Hate it.

Harry: But SEXY!

Ted: I LOVE IT! Greenlight. No wait, you'd better tell me more.

Harry: Um,... really? (pauses) Gosh... OK. I got it. The Kindly Woodsman is a Robert Pattinson type in black leather pants.

Ted: You read my mind.

Harry: The wolf is really a Vampire!

Ted: Yes! Wait, what? Why?

Harry: Well, I want millions of dollars, not just hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Ted: But the Wolf doesn't need to be a vampire, he can just be a werewolf.

Harry: But... (mumbles) I'm on Team Edward...

Ted: Huh?

Harry: Nothing. Fine. Werewolf. Let's move on.

Ted: Get to the Sex!

Harry: Well, she's doinkin' the Woodsman, obviously.

Ted: Go on...

Harry: And then, let's throw in a triangle... Let's see... Team Woodsman... The other guy is good-looking, but not TOO good-looking...

Ted: He DOESN'T wear leather pants.

Harry: No, he's like more of a sheepskin guy. Brown hair. No gel.

Ted: Girls HATE guys with brown hair and no gel. They always go for the gel.

Harry: So, Team Gel and Team No Gel.

Ted: Team No Gel is going to be a pretty small team.

Harry: (mumbles) If you'd let me put vampires in...

Ted: NO VAMPIRES!

Harry: No Vampires. But...it still needs something...

Ted: We got a triangle, We got the leather pants... What else...

(They are silent for a moment)

Harry: (Slams hands on knees) I GOT IT! A WHODUNIT!!!

Ted: Who done what?

Harry: Who ate the Gramma!!!

Ted: But the Wolf ate the Gramma!

Harry: BUT WHO IS THE WOLF??? RIGHT????

Ted: (kind of drops jaw in amazement) oh my gawd...

Harry: RIGHT??? IT'S A WEREWOLF!!! It could be anybody!!!

Ted: YES! So Who IS it!

Harry: Who cares? Make it anybody. But throw suspicion on EVERYBODY!

Ted: The Gramma?

Harry: YES!

Ted: The Woodsman?

Harry: YES!

Ted: Wait, I'm trying to wrap my mind around this.

Harry: What's to wrap?

Ted: Well, we're making a movie about Red Riding hood where she's doinking the woodsman and the wolf is a werewolf, OK, that writes itself, but if we're going to then try and be like, "What if the GRAMMA is the Wolf, and what if the WOODSMAN is the wolf, then I feel like we're getting too trippy.

Harry: Nic Cage.

Ted: Come again?

Harry: Nic Cage. Put him in there as a werewolf-hunting detective. Van Helsing with a sword!

Ted: Wait a minute. Who's the good guy here? The Wolf? The Woodsman? The Van Helsing? I'm confused.

Harry: .... Are you?

Ted: Yes!

Harry: As confused as... a teenage girl?

Ted: ... (pauses) BRILLANT. Harry my man, you are one sensitive male.

Harry: (beams delightedly) Chicks tell me that a lot.

Ted: So, back to Cage. Is he good or bad? He'll play whatever. He can play both. I just want to know which it is.

(Harry closes eyes. After a moment, raises hands in the air and begins to move them about, conducting music only he can hear.)

Harry: hmmmm......... werewolves, curses........religious angle...... twilight fangirls.... hot topic merchandise..... wiccans......... He's BAD.

Ted: Cage's bad? Harry: He's bad. A total cock-blocker. Buzzkill in a goatee. Bad.

Ted: So is the wolf good?

Harry: He's good because he's interesting, and he's furry, but let's be honest. The only person the girls are gonna root for is the woodsman.

Ted: Team Gel.

Harry: Anyone else is just in the way.

Ted: So OK, the wolf's bad, and Nicholas Cage is bad,... You know what? What's the conflict?

Harry: Well, I think it's classic Wolf vs. Woodsman. Plus Cage,... Wait a minute, that's two conflicts. Now I'm getting twisted up around this thing...

Ted: It's ok, I got this. You have to look though the plot and all the distractions and see, really, what is at stake for the main character? What is she trying to do?

Harry: Doink the Woodsman?

Ted: DOINK THE WOODSMAN. EXACTLY. So, who's in her way?

Harry: The other guy who wants to doink her!

Ted: No, he's not really in her way. He's just there as a trope. Think about it! Who is always interfering with teen-age girls and their boyfriends?

Harry: THE DAD!!!!!! She has a dad?

Ted: She does now! (they high-five)

Harry: The dad's the wolf.

Ted: He eats the Gramma?

Harry: She's the mother in law! Of course he eats her. He's fed up with her and her bullcrap.

Ted: No can do.

Harry: Wait, why?

Ted: My name's gonna be on this thing. Have you met my mother in law? She'll know it was me. She reads into everything. Her and my wife get together,.....You want me sleeping on the couch? The dad can't eat his mother-in-law. That's just how it is.

Harry: Well, you want him eating his own mother?

Ted: I'm OK with that.

Harry: Weird. OK, well, we got the gel triangle, the whodunit, the doinking, the buzzkilling, the wolf, ... Who's gonna direct?

Ted: Throw me some names...

Harry: Michael Bay!

Ted: Perfect! Lemme shoot some emails here... (types)

Harry: Who can we get to merchandise this? McDonald's obviously.... Do a theme with how hungry wolves get and he'll eat a Big Mac. Teenage girls in red hoodies... it's too easy. Can we get Evanescence on the soundtrack?

Ted: No, they broke up.

Harry: Shit, Muse then.

Ted: Muse with Amy Lee doing Guest Vocals!

Harry: Aerosmith!

Ted: Bad news. Bay just replied to my email. He's out.

Harry: Why?

Ted: He's doing a remake of Sophie's Choice.

Harry: That's gonna be AWESOME!

Ted: Cage is out too, he just replied.

Harry Why?

Ted: He's booked. I'm sending you a link he just sent me. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eExfV_xKaiM ).

Harry: Wow! Those all look like winners! Who else will do any movie they get offered?

Ted: Oldman.

Harry: You are a genius. I'm not worthy! (They shake hands)

Harry: OK, I gotta go, the secretary gave me a spec script she thinks I should check out. It's a movie about the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick maker. It's an allegory about gay marriage. I'm thinking Gyllenhall, musical, set in the roaring thirties. Like Newsies.

Ted: That's GOLD! I want a piece!

Harry: You got it! I'm out! (exits)

Ted: (starts typing, sings) "burnin' the ground, I break from the crowd, AND I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!!!!!!!......."

6/24/2010

Caruso

CSI taught me that to solve murders in Las Vegas you look at bugs, and it works every time! To solve crimes in Miami you take off your sunglasses and say clever things quietly. To solve crimes in New York you actually film in Los Angeles. And, that there will always be room for another CSI as long as they dont run out of songs by The Who.

I have come to the inescapable, but not unexpected conclusion that there is not a movie in existence that would not be improved X20 if you were to go back in time and replace either the main hero or the main villain with David Caruso.

Except for the movies where he already plays one of those roles, you couldn't replace him in the other role too.

Like Face/Off, you couldn't have David Caruso vs. David Caruso wearing each other's faces pretending to be each other.

Or, wait a minute...

*goes back to drawing board and re-checks my equations...

YES, YOU COULD.

                                                         David Caruso only wants to help.

On CSI MIAMI, David Caruso portrays not a mortal, but rather an archangel of both mercy AND vengeance, with the power to sense both corruption AND desperate need. His blaze of burning ginger hair is his fiery halo, and his Colt .45 s his terrible swift sword. When Caruso shows up, it is only a matter of time before the guilty are smote and the endangered are given haven. He puts on his sunglasses whenever his holy wrath is set aflame, otherwise his gaze would incinerate Emily Proctor and Adam Rodriguez as happened at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. When Roger Daltrey screams at the beginning of each episode, it is the sound of Armageddon being initiated by the sins of man, and he can hear it, and he knows that he can only forestall the deluge upon this Earth by correcting the iniquity.




3/31/2010

Boast

Let it be known to ALL, that Tom is who I be,

Son of Carl, born of Ann, stewed in fury and pierced by hooks of lust, and think not that I cannot see you and your craven scheming through my hot, bloody tears, for I have wept them so long that I no longer feel them.

It be mine intention to resist any and all tasks as dictated by unworthy castle-mice, to resist any and all baitings by those whose egos weigh down their very heads like they were chained by the neck to ingots, and to meet hatred with much more of same than such newborn, beardless children as may seek to employ such rage against my person may have ever dreamt of, for hatred is my curse and the blood in my veins.

And yet I turn from this malice and toward the love and mercy of our Father and his Son and that Spirit that shine down their love upon us, and my accomplishments are that I have turned away from vengeance and allowed those who've crossed me to live on, to learn from their errors or to sink or swim upon such rafts as their souls may have built or failed to build. Let them sink or sail as their hearts merit.

One day I shall be gone and with me all of this fury and all of this confusion. I shall take it with me and return it to the Crippled one from whom it came as I pass through on my way to the world beyond, where I shall surely await you and meet you at the gate.

So say I. Raise your glasses.

2/01/2010

The Intercession

The nurse left work at five o’clock. She did not like to remain one minute longer than she was obligated, because she had cats. Upon her departure, the doctor closed the door to his office and sat back in his chair with a scotch and water, and after slowly savoring this remedy to the stresses of the day and of dealing with the nurse, he too left. Then, there was only Graciela.

In most places Graciela would be known as the doctor’s receptionist, but here in this town she was known to all as Graciela, as in “Graciela who in her teens had been crowned the queen at the summer’s festival of Santa Lucia three times!”, or “Graciela who accompanied the nuns on their trip to visit the holy place and brought back with her a puppy.” There are those who knew her as “Graciela who pummeled a street thief with a bag of squash and was therefore not robbed of her bag of squash”, and those who knew her as “Graciela who taught me how to dance and now thanks to her kind instruction I am married to a blessed, sainted woman and I must now go home”.

Graciela with a small broom dusted the office and swept the corners. The phone at her desk rang, and she went to answer it, waiting until the third ring.

“Hello, this is Doctor Armendariz’s office.”

“Graciela, thank God it is you. Please, can you help me?”

“What is it?”

“When I move my elbow, it does not feel right.”

“Well, you will have to ask Doctor Armendariz about it. Would you like to see him tomorrow?”

“It feels funny.”

“Tomorrow at ten? “

“It feels like, when you crack a walnut and the walnut snaps? It feels like that walnut.”

“Doctor Armendariz will be very anxious to see your elbow.”

“Graciela, what am I to do? I am no good like this. How am I to cook? I can hardly change the dial on my television!”

“You must come in and let Doctor Armendariz see your elbow at the earliest opportunity.”

“Will I be able to go to my daughter’s wedding this June?”

“Only Doctor Armendariz will know for sure.”

“Why do these things happen to us?”

“Will you come in tomorrow at ten?”

“My daughter needs me. I have to make the zizzitza for her wedding.”

“You are a good mother to your daughter. Will you come in tomorrow at ten?”

“Her father was a saint.”

“He would want you to come see Doctor Armendariz.”

“Now she is to be married to that boy.”

“What a happy day that will-”

“That boy’s mother cannot cook worth a damn. What is she going to cook? People have to eat. It is a wedding!”

“It is good that you are involved.”

“I must be strong.”

“Doctor Armendariz will do all he can for you when you come to see him tomorrow at ten.”

“You are so good to me, Graciela. I know that you will not let my elbow ruin my life and my daughter’s wedding day. Bless you. Bless you.”

“Thank you, Marisol, we will see you tomorrow at ten.”

“Bless you!” Then, to another in the room, “Graciela will know what to do tomorrow at ten!”

Graciela continued sweeping, and the phone did not ring again. At the door, she paused a moment to give it one last chance, which it did not take advantage of (this time), and finally left for the day with her bag, locking the door behind her.

end

7/07/2009

Tuesday in Springtime

(read at your own risk)

Tuesday morning was warm and sunny, with a pleasant breeze blowing down Main Street, ruffling the ladies’ hair, and making the tulips dance in the flowerboxes on the balconies of the apartments in the townhouses which lined the way, as Mr. Edward Nelson, looking quite well turned out in his tan three-piece suit and pastel tie, strolled to his job at the Stribling Building. His morning strolls to work were among his favorite activities, and he looked forward to seeing all of his friends and acquaintances along the way. This morning, he stopped at Gina’s sidewalk diner for a light breakfast of toast and juice, and also at the ReadyTime Florist shop to pick up a dozen pink carnations for his wife. Having them in water in his office throughout the day would bring a pleasant and relaxing scent to his workplace, and his wife would certainly adore seeing them later.

The Stribling Building was the newest in town, and at 14 floors, also the tallest. The front was smartly paned with reflective glass windows that let the sunlight in but deflected the day’s heat, providing invigorating natural light to visitors in the lobby. Nelson greeted the receptionist and the security guard (Blanche and Harvey, respectively) and they cheerfully greeted him back, their spirits no doubt lively as much from each other’s good company as from their bright surroundings.

Harvey stepped into the elevator, and was happy to hear the sound system in working order. “Oh, good, elevator music!” he smiled to himself, and began to hum along. Just as the door was almost closed, he spotted three girls running lightly to try to catch it. Luckily, he was able to hit the “open” button in time!

The girls were Tuesday Lewis, Kathy King, and Laurie Smith, local girls from the high school. They were dressed very prettily in sun dresses and light jackets, and each carried lemonade in a paper cup. Nelson knew each of them by name, as they had been in the building many times, visiting Tuesday’s uncle Brian, and also through his various volunteer projects in the community. Tuesday’s mother Martha had been good friends with his wife Marge since childhood.

The girls flooded onto the elevator, with giddy cries of “Thank you, Mr. Nelson!” sailing in their constant laughter. “Well, girls, no school today?” Nelson kidded them as he hit the button to the 14 th floor.

“No, no Mr. Nelson, We’re not playing hooky, we promise!” pleaded Kathy ebulliently. Laurie chimed in, “Today is parent-teacher conferences!!! I am in SO MUCH TROUBLE if that mean Mr. Laurence tells my mom how I was passing notes in algebra! Omigod!!!”

Kathy lightly slugged Laurie in the arm. “I’m so sure! I’m going to be in trouble too, thanks a lot! I didn’t even want to read your stupid note!”

“ But it was important!” giggled Kathy, flush with embarrassment. “Yeah, right.” dismissed Laurie.

“Why was it so important, Kathy?” indulged Nelson, giving her a chance, since she obviously wanted to explain herself.

“I just had to ask….” she interrupted herself with a burst of laughter, “just had to ask if she had read my note from YESTERDAY!” And with that, Nelson and all three girls had a good laugh. Poor Kathy was almost in tears.

“I think Mr. Laurence is nice,” offered Tuesday. He lets me sit away from stupid Matt Krattkey, even though I should be in front of him, alphabetically.” The other girls nodded, shuddering at the thought of Matt, who they all deemed “so gross”.

“Well, I’ll bet you girls get good reviews,” offered Nelson. “Oh, thank you, we hope so, too,” chimed the girls.

“You guys,” Tuesday began, “Did you know that Mr. Nelson’s wife and my mom were friends back in high school?” As she spoke, she reached into her purse and pulled out a large, live rat, which squirmed and writhed furiously in her hand.

“No, for real,” she continued. Mrs. Nelson made me a quilt one year, and I still have it!” She raised the enraged rodent to her mouth, rolled it over, and took a large bite out of its back, pulling away with a mouthful of meat, blood and spine.

As the rat spasmed and shrieked in her steel grip, the other girls looked on in astonishment. “TUESDAY!!!! OMIGOD!!!! YOU BROUGHT A RAT???” they shouted.

“Yeph” said Tuesday with her mouth full, then laughed at her lack of etiquette. “Phorry..” she tittered, a few drops of blood spraying out of her mouth.

“Well, you just brought one?” accused Kathy.

“Yeah, … do you want some?”

“Omigod, yes, I am so hungry!!!!”

Tuesday clutched the rat’s body in both hands, and ripped it in two. She handed the ass, legs, and tail end to Kathy, who immediately chomped right into its buttocks, sucking like it was an oyster.

Laurie, meanwhile, stomped a foot. “Aw, no fair! I want some!!!!!”

“Well, I’m phorry, Laurie! I only had one!” pleaded Tuesday.

Kathy handed Laurie a dangling leg, attached to a twitching tail.

“But you ate the guts! That’s my favorite part!!!!”

Kathy was actually chewing on the rat’s guts at that very moment, savoring the feces within. “Well, you should have said something sooner…” she said without sympathy.

Nelson, through all of this, merely shook his head. With a sigh, he reached over and hit the emergency stop button on the control panel, and crossed his arms, waiting quietly until he had their attention.

When they all looked in his direction, he began. “Girls. I have to say, I am a little surprised at you. Tuesday, you know you shouldn’t eat rats, or anything else, while standing up in public! Eating is for the dinner table, or picnic tables….” Nelson smiled kindly and went on.

“And Kathy. As good a friend as Tuesday is to you, you still had to guilt her into giving you half of what was really hers. That is really not how a friend acts, is it?” Kathy shook her head, looking down. “And Laurie, if you guilt a friend into sharing, it’s not really sharing at all, is it?” “No, I guess not, Mr. Nelson.” Laurie toed the floor shyly, and handed the leg and tail axle back to Kathy. “Here, Kathy. You eat it.” Kathy’s eyes lit up as she palmed the carcass fragment. Tuesday, meanwhile, continued chewing on the rat’s neck, being careful not to ruin the cervical spine (along with the head, her Uncle Brian’s favorite).

Nelson sat down on the floor of the elevator. The girls also sat in a circle around him, eager to hear the rest of what he had to say. “Girls, working at this surveying and titling firm has taught me a lot of important lessons, but the most important lesson is this; the best kind of friend to have is the kind you can count on, and the kind that you take pride in their being able to count on you. And, when you have friends like that, that’s better than gold!” The girls nodded in agreement, smiling at each other, and reaching for each other’s hands.

“That’s right,” said Nelson. “Now, I think you girls have learned a valuable lesson about friendship today…” “We sure have,” cooed each of the girls, than laughed at how they each had said the same thing at the same time. Nelson continued, “And I hate to see such good kids be disappointed or hungry, so I guess I can help out with that…”

“What do you mean, Mr. Nelson?” asked Tuesday, as they all stood back up. “Well, I was going to save this for my lunch today, but I think I’d rather you girls had this…” and he pointed to his buttocks.

Laurie’s eyes grew wide with delight. “Do you mean….”

“Yes, girls, It so happens I have a live rat in my rectum right now! And while your rat was a nice size, Laurie, I think you’ll find that this one is a meal fit for a duke!”

The girls clapped and bounced up and down.

“You’re just going to have to help me pull it out, if you don’t mind,”

“Oh, not at all, Mr. Nelson!!!!!” squealed the girls delightedly as he let his pants fall to the floor and bent over.

Minutes later, after they had let the elevator continue its ascent to the 14 th floor, they emerged together, laughing and finishing the last bites of their lunch. Nancy, the courier from the eastside branch, was waiting for them. “Well,” she exclaimed, “I was wondering what was keeping that gosh-darned elevator! What are you pals up to? “

“Oh, you know, Nancy,” called Tuesday over her shoulder as they ran to Uncle Brian’s office, “Just a little early lunch!”

“Those girls,” chuckled Nelson. “Hey, Nancy, you wouldn’t happen to have any rats on you, would you? I just gave away my lunch!”

fini

Thomas Caniglia

Honolulu, HI

August 2007