THE DEATH OF PINOCCHIO

Lindsey Graham was much like Pinocchio, a smiley little guy who just wanted to be with the boys. A cute little fella who was always running scared from his own mistakes with a comical expression of fright. An eternal boy who just wanted to have fun, but for him fun meant collecting millions and letting millions suffer and die while he skipped along through town.

Pinocchio‘s first murder victim was his conscience, which he smashed with a hammer. Lindsey Graham‘s first murder victim was probably in a South Carolina back alley or on Epstein Island, but he also murdered his conscience with a hammer. John McCain was Lindsey Graham's Geppetto, and he died in the whale. Without his Gepetto, Lindsey Graham panicked and sold himself to Stromboli. He had already been to Donkey Island, after all. There were plenty of strings on him.

Lindsey Graham had to be his own blue fairy and absolve himself of all of his own lies anew and afresh every day. And every night, he would get on the Fox News stage and do his song and dance. The audience for that theater comes back every night.

Well, Pinocchio is dead now. The spell that animated him has faded away. He’s a pile of wood. They’ll throw him into the fireplace and that will be the end of it. Stromboli does not care. He has plenty more puppets.

Image from ESMA, France

Friends and Monsters

When Tom was a boy, he found a book in the children’s section of the library. It was called “My Friend the Monster”. It was about a little boy who lived in a village. The little boy was playing near the mountains and he met another little boy who was furry, with fangs and claws. They became friends.

His memories of the story were hazy. Were the boy and the monster boy really friends? He remembered wariness between the two. Was the boy afraid of the monster boy’s capacity for violence? Maybe the monster was just faster and stronger and would hurt the boy while playing, without meaning to. Did the boy feel an obligation to be the monster’s friend, out of a painful sympathy? Maybe the boy, like the Tom himself as a boy, would have preferred to just stay home and dream of a friend he could feel closer to, a friend he could be comfortable with. Other kids his age seemed to have such friends. But other kids his age didn’t seem to love innocence the way he did. Other kids seemed more prone to being in trouble.

At some point in the book, the villagers find out about the monster families living in the mountains and attack their dwelling places, setting fire to them and driving the monsters out. He vividly remembered the monster boy running down the mountain, smoke rising into the sky from the burning dwellings behind him, screaming at the boy, “LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING!” and maybe also that it was the boy’s fault. Now the boy had fear and guilt over ruining someone else’s life, someone he feared and wanted to avoid, but who he felt a responsibility to be friends with. And maybe it was because he didn’t really feel friendship, and his efforts were well-meaning but not genuine, were inadequate, that he had unwittingly brought catastrophe down on the monster boy and his whole family.

The monster resembled a boy that he had known, named Steven. He had not liked Steven. Steven was his age, 8 at the time. Steven resembled him to a degree, and was pushy and annoying, with an odd, froggy face. He remembered some incident at little league, where he had gotten so mad at Steven that he had grabbed a handful of Steven’s shoulder and squeezed, an action of rage and deliberate malice. He has no memory of what Steven had done to incite him, just a general sense of having been antagonized. The coach broke them up and yelled at him. He felt terrible about upsetting the coach, who was a very nice man with three unruly sons and a very loud wife, but he had wished he could have kept going, that they could have had a definitive fight, maybe to the death. He had wanted vindication. He had felt burned by the familiar righteous fury that he felt toward so many of his peers.

After that abortive season of little league baseball, he didn’t see Steven again for years. On the first day of high school, a day of matriculation where the boys would be shown around the halls and introduced to the faculty, he saw Steven again. His friend Jeff confirmed that it was the same boy from Little League and they said hi to him. This brought Steven into their new circle of friends, as they all had similar tastes in music and style of dress, but no one liked Steven there either, because he was still pushy and annoying. Jeff led the others in blaming Tom for Steven’s noisome presence, establishing on the timeline that it was Tom who had said hello to Steven in the first place on that first day of high school.

Tom and Steven still resembled one another to some degree. Both were skinny, similarly complected, and dressed in similar styles, but Steven still had that odd, froggy face. It wasn’t enough to distinguish them from one another though, and he was often mistaken for Steven by other students who didn’t really know either of them. True to form, Steven was well-known and widely disliked at school very quickly because of his obnoxious nature, and became a stigma for their group of friends, who all wished him gone as he moved from one to the other for brief alliances.

By the time they entered their second year of school, Tom's own mind had slipped into a state of delusion and dysfunction, every day a torment as he tried to find his place in some kind of world of humanity. Meanwhile, Steven was pushed out adrift by the currents of hostility that he always seemed to wade in. Their friend Jack once told Tom that Steven had a terrible drug problem. Tom didn’t even know where to get drugs and did not even smoke cigarettes. If he had ever been shown actual drugs, he would have been terrified, would probably have vomited on the spot. But then there was an issue over a term paper that Tom could not type, for his family only had a semi-functional typewriter that he could barely use, and he could not actually type at all. Steven had a computer and a word processor and offered to type it for him. Tom was terribly grateful. Of course, Steven did not actually type the paper, and gave no reason. Tom had to turn in a shoddy handwritten manuscript for an appropriately low grade. He remembers yelling at Steven in the hallway and making dark remarks in the classroom. Grabbing the shoulder all over again, in a way.

Sometime after, Steven left the school, having been implicated in a possibly intimate incident with another boy who also had to leave, due to hostility from the other students. Tom and his whole friend group, and the student body in general, all breathed a sigh of relief. And as Jeff liked to remind Tom, all of this had been his own fault, they could have had a perfectly even first two years of high school if he had not naively said hello to Steven on that first day. Tom only saw Steven once more after that, later that year at the mall near the school. He almost didn’t recognize him. Steven was clean-cut and wearing a nice, modest grey suit with a black tie, and was accompanied by a well dressed young man and woman about their age. They greeted each other, outwardly smiling. Tom told Steven that he looked good, and they exchanged pleasantries and well-wishes. He was glad to see Steven doing well with a new community. He told his friends about it. They were uninterested.

A few years later, after high-school, while he was in the Navy, he came home on leave and saw a notice in the newspaper that Steven had died. There were few details. He told his friends. This time they feigned disinterest, but he didn’t believe it. They speculated that suicide or an overdose seemed likely. Ben said, “Good”.

There was actually one other time that Tom saw Steven, and it was decades later. This occurred in a series of recurring dreams that took place in his Grandma’s house (Nana). The house, in this series of dreams, is run down and stripped bare inside, and his Grandma still lives in there, and they still go there to take care of her. In this dream, it was a black winter night and the outside was cold like stone. Tom, in a black wool peacoat, had snuck into his Grandma’s front door and was laying on a couch on the porch, trying to sleep in the cold, wondering if he’d be found, and if so, by whom, and would he be welcomed or driven out. And then for a moment, Steven was there, also looking for a place to be. It was just for a moment, and then Steven moved along.

Trump/Engoron

This trial will never end. Trump and Judge Engoron have found in one another their diametric opposites, their shadow selves. Each one sees in the other the exact person that they abhor and would not want to be. But one can not meet his Other and then ever be free of them. The moment that their eyes met in the courtroom, Trump and Engoron were bonded and sealed to one another. Theirs is a true marriage that will outlast the planet Earth.

Neither man will get what they want and neither man will give up their hopes. All trump wants is for the judge to praise him and throw the New York Attorney General into a penitentiary while calling her racist slurs. All Engoron wants is to never have to make a decision and to just walk out of the courtroom, to sit on the sidewalk outside, and to pretend he's a bullfrog and think about pastels. Neither thing can happen, so every second for these men is like how you and I feel when we wake up and remember that it's Monday and that we wrecked our car the night before.

As they face off against each other, each man has to confront the lacunae within his own character. Trump has to face up to how little he knows and how incapable he is. Engoron has to face his own self-doubt.

Engoron does not see himself as being worthy of authority. That is why he wears pink shirts with yellow ties and that is why he uses words like "beseech" when addressing trump's charlatan attorneys. Engoron has only gotten by in life by being a happy, smiley guy. A judge is supposed to command respect, but Engoron cringes at that thought as fearfully as a small child would recoil from a lunch bag full of scorpions.

These glaring holes in their souls are functions of their greed. Each man has succeeded thus far in life by leaning into these flaws. And now they are locked in a standoff from which neither can flinch, and from which no one can save either one of them; not from each other, and not from themselves. When the Earth is nothing but dust, these two men will remain in each other's embrace in some form or another, perhaps a stone of two colors, and they will float forever in space, because the time has already passed where either of them could’ve brought this to an end by acknowledging their own flaws and submitting to their roles and fates.

Humanity is not going to see 2025. This trial, this conflict, was what all of humanity was hinged upon. The true Chosen People are Donald Trump and Arthur Engoron, like Cain and Abel or Jacob and Esau, Jonas brothers, grapplers on whom God and Satan have placed their bets. And even God and Satan are going to be left without any sense of resolution. Because God cannot reach the hearts of either one of these men, while Satan can, but Satan never gets what he wants. God cannot convince Trump that He exists and God cannot convince Arthur Engoron that he deserves to be a judge and to act like a judge. Satan can get into peoples' hearts and minds, but in the end can never be satisfied with the fruits of his labor. All of humanity exists now in the Omega Point that is the Trump-Engoran conflict. The Book of Revelations is cancelled; those events will never happen. The Apocalypse has already begun and it will never end, because it is too stupid. We are all in Hell and God is here too, because all of humanity failed when we produced these two men.

Tilda Swinton: Memoria Review

HOLD ON TO YER BUTTS, THIS IS TILDA SWINTON UNLEASHED!!!!!!!!!

 Tilda Swinton produced this vanity project in which she plays a tedious twit, and the movie is also a tedious twit. If I had been involved in making this movie, I would have deleted most of its scenes. For the scenes I left in, I would have made the opposite choices.

If you've seen Get Out, you'll understand what I mean when I say that this movie is the Sunken Place, and that to watch it is to find yourself inexplicably stuck in a chair, in the darkness, as coherence and meaning fall away and you sink into an actual void.

The people who made this movie are my enemies, just as they are the enemies of story. They shrug at the notion of showing scenes or people that an audience could be interested in seeing. They are determined to waste the audience's time with still shots of rooms and of people sitting still. Hell-bent on it.

This is a waiting room of a movie, an interminably long red traffic light. This is standing in line behind a few people at the store and the cashier has left to do something, and minutes go by and just as she may never come back, this movie may never get to a point.

Tilda's Jessica's Tilda isn't the only tedious twit in the movie. Everyone she meets are also tedious twits. You would never want to meet these people and you would definitely never want to try to have a conversation with these people. They might want to make you listen to their boring band or tell you some boring poem. You would DEFINITELY never want to meet Jessica Tilda, because she is just going to interrupt what you are doing, stammer after a bit, and draw a line on the ground with her toe as she stares at you and slowly asks you a meaningless question that can not be answered.

Tilda Jessica wastes the time of everyone she meets in this movie, which is ok because none of them are doing anything interesting or useful. They are all dullards covered in lint or dirt. The irony is that by watching her waste everyone's time, she's actually wasting OUR time. There is a scene where she is stuck in a long line of traffic (as I mentioned above, I would have thrown out most of the scenes in this movie). She conveys boredom and frustration. But imagine how the audience feels by this point? This scene is an hour in, and the hour preceding it had even less momentum than this traffic jam.

It seems cruel to be tricked into watching someone sit in traffic. That's the least of the movie's crimes, though. I maintain that there is not a person that exists that wants to stare at a cramped parking lot of cars with their alarms going off for 45 seconds. But that is a scene in this movie, almost right at the beginning. I'm not speaking figuratively. That is an actual scene. It's not even the movie's only scene that is about a car alarm going off.

In fact, this movie starts with a ten minute segment of still images with doodles superimposed over them. Actual doodles. Actually ten minutes.

About an hour and a half in, Jesswinton goes to see a doctor with her mystery malady. Nothing about this doctor or her office would make you think she could help with an unusual problem. But what did surprise me was that when the Doctor made an offhand remark about religion, about a fourth of the audience laughed. Genuine laughter, not forced, as if they were watching Happy Gilmore. And when the conversation just naturally revolved around to Salvador Dali, as conversations with doctors always do, and Twilda suggested that Dali might have taken drugs, the audience erupted in a full-on belly laugh. I looked around in confusion before realizing that I was among freaks.

The plan for this movie is that it would only be shown in theaters, and that is wise, because no one could ever watch this via streaming. One could not possibly stick to watching this movie if they had any other activities within reach. It defies our interest. It defeats our good will.

Explain a Film Plot Badly

So, there's this guy, he's I guess maybe mid 40's? Brown hair. Pretty nice guy, he seems like. He has a wife who dresses pretty fancy. I mean he's kind of casual with maybe plaid shirts and dockers and a jacket, but she usually has her hair all done and a silk shirt and some jewelry... They're kind of a weird couple. Not weird people, I mean they're a weird match. He seems really normal, but she seems like an elegant lady in a soap opera, but I think she'd be the villain lady, a real femme fatale if you ask me. So, really different personalities with this couple. You kinda wonder how they got together. Seems to me like he kinda gets on her nerves. She's a little snippy with him.

So, I said that they weren't weird people but actually she is a little weird, you guys. When he's not around she goes into these daydreams where she's all horny... But she's such a cold person all the time, I mean she looks cold but she acts cold too, so if she's so horny, why doesn't she just warm up to her husband maybe? I guess it's really a look into marital dynamics is what this is, what with all the unsaid psychological stuff and interpersonal conflicts that really a good marriage counselor could help them with, with the body language and little remarks that the husband doesn't really like from her but he isn't an angry person, y'know what I mean? He's not much of an ARGUER, so when she says something that's a little rude to him, he usually just gives like a little annoyed look and maybe mumbles something back under his breath and goes to look around the house.

Oh, OK, the house is a whole other thing. They are moving into a house that they already own. It's in his family because his brother used to stay there. So now they are moving back into the house and that's like how I mean when I say that the guy will go wander around the house to look at nails that need hammering or creaky floorboards or whatever.

I'll tell you this much though, he should have looked harder for them nails because in this one part when he and some movers are moving a mattress, he cuts his hand on a nail that is sticking out of the wall. OWIE-ka-ZOWee it bleeds a LOT. Everyone is really worried. His daughter is like "Daddy, your HAND!" and he goes and bandages it up...

OKAY, that's another thing I forgot to talk about. He has this daughter. She's really good looking. She's about 18 or 19 probably... really cute. Now, this is the 80's, and in the 80's the hottest look a gal could have was nice teased hair, any color is fine, this girl's hair is brown just so you know, but any color looks good. But then you'd be wearing either a tank top and jeans, or maybe a white button down shirt with jeans, or a turtleneck sweater with jeans, but ALSO, a girl would wear a brown bomber jacket. It was a good look. Really 80's. Bomber jackets were really popular with high school kids in the 80's. So, you'd wanna live somewhere fairly cool to wear this outfit, and this movie is in either Canada or England, I'm not sure, but she is wearing this outfit is why I bring it up.

She is the GUY'S daughter but not his WIFE's daughter. His WIFE is her STEPmother. That's important, because you can tell that they don't get along too well. I think that, again, this relationship between the girl and her stepmother could benefit from a counselor. They could work out their different unspoken issues and they both might feel better about each other. I kinda wish more families would be more open to counselling, really.

So, after all the stuff I described, the story goes in some other directions that I didn't really expect. I don't want to give it all away but let's just say they find a puzzle box that's like a Rubik's Cube but fancier, like it's black and gold and bronze and stuff, and fellas, you wouldn't want to try to solve this one, because then some pretty spooky stuff happens.

Happy and Angry Post about my Hero David Lynch and I

It hasn't been an easy past couple of years so this post isn't pretty toward the end... Twin Peaks has been accepted by new generations and that has meant noobsplaining articles in my FB feed and FB TP groups with people making twee little TP images and I swear if I see another picture of black and white zig-zag socks or earrings I will just explode like on Scanners.... Why do these things bother me so much?

I don't know, but there is almost certainly some of that ol' "I liked it before it was cool" mentality at play, I admit it, but c'mon... 28 (NOT 25!) years later, I think I'm entitled to a little of that.  There's more to it though. As I've said to quizzical looks, David Lynch art is in my heart. My heartbeats are the pulses of David Lynch plot outlines. I have always, since Dune, felt like I was something that fell out of a David Lynch movie into this much more boring and hopeless world we live in, and when I watched his weird moviescapes, I felt like a fish that was put back into the water by gentle hands. So, I'm not trying to stake some claim for hipster style bragging rights, I am rather talking about something that I genuinely love and want others to be careful with.

I WANTED to find other Lynch fans, and sometimes I found people who at least knew his stuff, but I never ever found another actual FAN. Another person who found Lynch's scary and beautiful movies to actually be their home.

(Special mention to Levi and Thomas Ahern for our TP marathons in the misawa barracks. Jack Hope though for his funny description of Eraserhead back in 89 to me, and also to Jack, Dan Mejia, Larry Palmer, and Brian Kirke for letting me show them Blue Velvet. Eric Wade, I'm sorry that I took you to Wild at Heart, that was wrong of me. I've always felt bad about it. Chris Prewitt, you were my Donna Hayward. Jeff, remember watching the big reveal episode in your dorm room at UNL??? That was one of the best days of my life).

(Does it surprise anyone to know that Cody Grassman would insult David Lynch TO MY FACE? Now you know why Tales of Grassman exists).

There was a day, back in 96, when I was talking to a roommate of mine (not by choice, thanks military), kind of an arse, but a rare person back then who actually knew anything about Twin Peaks at all, and I said, "Twin Peaks will be back", and he said, "Dude, Twin Peaks will NEVER come back." Well, I knew that it would be, even if I had to bring it back myself. And there is one of the sorest spots over the past 2 years...

An idea that had long simmered was bubbling into coherence: I had a decent set of ideas for TP novels, prequel AND sequel. Star Wars or Star Trek expanded novel universe type novels, if you know what I mean. I had it. I just couldn't do it alone. I've always wanted a writing partner to help me get my random and chaotic ideas beaten into form, and I've approached many of my friends about collaborating, and none of them have wanted to do it. All these aspiring writers I know who don't write, and none of them have accepted my offer. But I specifically tried to recruit Jon Moore who I had thought was a kindred soul to help me put my TP ideas to paper and we would sell it to Lynch's company and become wealthy gadabouts, and he also balked. But, as you know, f*k Jon Moore.

I had such great ideas for the prequel. The teens would be Harry Truman, Jerry Horne, Hawk, and Hank Jennings, Slightly older teens would be Ben Horne, Ed Hurley and Norma, and James Hurley's mom Linda, working with Blackie at the Perfume counter at Horne's Department Store, young curious women in trouble finding their way to be exotic dancers at One-Eyed Jacks, the mysterious club owned by Elmon Horne, father of Ben, pitiless and cold as ice. Linda Hurley's dancer name? Anastasia Mysterie! Elmon's friend Andrew Packard would be there as would Andrew's admiring young sister Catherine, not yet hard and bitter, a young woman who thinks her big brother will always be there for her.

We'd see how Harry had dreams and plans to see the world, and how those dreams were destroyed. We'd see Harry's Father, the town sheriff, and how he tried so hard to set his son free but failed when his health failed him. Harry's father's best friend and fellow Bookhouse Boy Miles Lanterman (husband of the log lady), who dies in the woods when he witnesses an unholy fire and the spirit champion who rises to fight it, the spirit lumberjack from the lodge (jurgen prochnow) in FWWM hacking away relentlessly against the evil spirits in the lodge as the woods burned all around him.

How about the sequel? How about Cooper running the Twin Peaks Sherriff's Department by day and running One-Eyed Jack's by night from the shadows, using Hank Jennings as his proxy? How about Andy and Lucy's Daughter, blonde teen in pink Sandy as the Sheriff's Dept receptionist, the smartest girl in town who detects mysteries to be solved? Soon to be the first Bookhouse GIRL? Oh yes, I think so. Her boyfriend Jack, son of Bobby and Shelley?
How about Deputy James Hurley, Sheriff Cooper's right-hand man? James, always drawn to women in trouble, is married to Ronette Pulaski. You're goddam right he is. And Big Ed? WITH NORMA, NADINE CHOSE MIKE.

What about Johnny Horne, reacting to Ben's death at Doctor Hayward's hands by coming out of his autism, donning glasses and a suit and tie, and taking control of his father's business interests, with the help of his new half-sister Donna? Johnny marrying Lana, who is having an affair with Bobby Briggs and another with Dick Tremayne, Johnny's pick to run Horne's Dept Store and other commercial interests. Johnny is as cold and calculating as his grandfather was, and cultivates a friendship with James Hurley in part just to watch James' awkward encounters with Donna. Dale, in both sides of his life, sees Johnny as his main rival just as Harry saw Ben Horne as the biggest threat to justice in TP. Cooper uses James to keep tabs on Johnny, and James, who likes Johnny and wants to be a good moderating influence on him, plays along.

Johnny bought the Packard mill and has Bobby and Mike running it, and Johnny's wife Lana uses her affairs with Bobby and Dick to keep a tacit hand in Johnny's business.

As far as Harry, he is retired. He hunts and fishes, and disbanded the bookhouse boys in Dale's advice. Hawk, of course, with Major Briggs and Big Ed keeps the Bookhouse Boys secretly active, along with James Hurley. Hawk knows that Harry won't be able to delude himself for long and will be back and the Boys will be waiting with open arms. Because of some secrets that Cooper's wife Annie has shared with him, Hawk knows something is wrong with Cooper, and James thinks that's absurd, but he's starting to come around....

All the characters who seemed to be dead at the end of the series finale back in 90 are in fact dead. Sorry, Audrey. Don't stand in front of bombs. As far as the magical aspects, well, we have our known unknowns in the lodge, and maybe a certain Phantom from Inland Empire might have to show up too.

I've never shared that with anyone, and now my thoughts are yours to enjoy. I had all this for you guys. I had all of this for the WORLD. All I needed was a little help, and I asked for it, and it never f*cking came. Once the series was announced to return, I knew I had a short window to get something in writing and maybe David would like it and use from it, but I also knew, deep down, that left on my own, I would never share my ideas with anyone in business.

I had to get this off of my chest before I watched the new episodes. I bit Lu's head off this morning on FB for farting out spoilers, but you know what? I'm off my meds, and she shouldn't have tried to noobsplain. I won't have it!!!

I also know that there are little millennial shits who'd like to degrade my ideas, but guess what... I was a half-formed, unbalanced personality and disgrace to my betters before they were even born, As Richard Dreyfuss said to his enemies in Trigger Happy, "When it comes to not giving a f*ck... YOU guys are DABBLERS" Keep your weak sh*t to your damn selves, noobs.

This screed was not pretty but it is the most honest I've been in years. None of this probably answered why this stuff bothers me so much, this TP revival and its many vocal fans. All I can say is, TP is my exposed heart like in the Jesus paintings, and the internet has been poking it. F*ck you, Internet.


Signing off...

Trump v. Hillary

 Donald Trump is the ultimate Republican. He is the Republican in it's purest, loudest form. Everything he's been saying that has made people angry are the same things that FOX news has made their running themes for years, the same things that the GOP's most beloved and popular politicians have hinted around at and nudged us in the ribs about, that their talking heads have written their little books about, the EXACT same things that radio celebrities like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage, Glenn Beck or Mark Levin have been saying all this time.Trump just says it out loud, and when he gets backlash, he repeats it and the media loves it and they repeat it 100 times for him.

Trump is a Right-Wing media machine, a half-man/half money cyborg from a dystopian future who has come back to our present to take over forever. Donald Trump is a celebrity. All the old fellas who've been toiling in politics all these years have been pretending to be celebrities and in their bubble they could imagine that it was true, but Trump is a real celebrity and none of them can compete with him at all. The people are baffled. They do not know what is happening. They are so confused that they thought they liked Ben Carson just because he tried to say crazier things than Donald. Well, I can wear Hanes just like Michael Jordan. It doesn't mean I'm Michael Jordan. Sorry, Carson.

Donald Trump is wealthy. The GOP LOVES the wealthy. They taught their constituents to love the wealthy. Do you think the GOP has ANYONE who can compete for the hearts and minds of their base against a wealthy hatemonger who they have SEEN ON THEIR FAVORITE SHOWS???? HELL. NO.

It is the time of Trump. Trump is going to get the nomination. There are people who thought he had no chance, but in fact it is the flabby little rascals that make up the rest of the GOP candidates who have no chance, because none of them have ever hosted a reality show and none of them ever made so much money that no one could fire them. Trump is what Giuliani wanted to be, what McCain wanted to be, what Perry wanted to be... The GOP has no one who can debate him and no one who can stand against him.

Would Donald Trump be good for America? HAHAHAHA NO. Every action he takes would end in disaster. And he would not care, and neither would all of the people who supported him. All the GOP's base needs to be happy is to get their own way, not to have success.

Hillary, on the other hand, is the modern day equivalent of Richard Nixon: an ebon shade, a doomed lost soul decades or centuries into an aimless quest that has taken her so far into the twisted woods that she hasn't seen the sun of reality since she was young. She and Bill are Hansel and Gretel, still searching in the woods, still trolling for witches, buying gingerbread house after gingerbread house and still feeling homeless. They are actual possession cases, possessed by demons of ambition that will not let them rest and not let them feel a second of happiness until they are dead, because of what they do not have (in this case the Presidency). You would not be safe in a room with the Clintons if you had one cookie and they had none. You would find yourself hounded by mysterious thugs for years until you lived in a utility closet in a service tunnel. Hillary has to live, and to live, she has to dedicate her every waking moment to seeking ultimate power. It is a story as old as Alberich the ringsmith, father of Hagen. One day Chelsea will redeem her sad, misunderstood monstrous parents' tragedy as Antigone tried to redeem Oedipus as she cradled his dying body in her arms. On that day we will all rejoice, but in the meantime we have in Bill and Hillary and their coterie a drama of epic proportions to watch unwind to its deadly, sorrowful conclusion, a tragic cycle that makes King Lear look like an episode of fcking Fraggle Rock.

We are in for a clash of monsters, Trump Vs. Clinton, and yes, there WILL be blood. Hug your loved ones and start growing your own vegetables, people. The meat is going to run out at the butchershop. Just remember, if we do all die young, we can still say we were in it for the lulz.

hers

Hulk issue explained.

One guy posted: "I don't think I've ever seen the Hulk take an injury like Red Hulk took today in AvX #8"

Another guy answered: "Aunt May back in Hulk 349. in She violated the gray Hulk with an adamantium bat and lube. Waay worse".

I wrote:

Yes, a CLASSIC issue. Described here for those who haven't read it:

IRRITABLE HULK #349, "To Rise, But Yet to Fall" is widely considered to be Roy Thomas's Swan Song, his final masterpiece as a writer for Marvel Comics before defecting to DC to write about the '40's in a Little Rascals WWII title. John Byrne admits that after reading this masterpiece he just stopped trying to write and just started phoning it in. Brian Michael Bendis reports that it was the first Marvel comic he'd ever read as a child, having received it as a get-well present from his uncle when he had the willies, and that it inspired him to paint himself green, which landed him in the hospital again a week later. Ralph Macchio, mistakenly thinking this issue was guest-written by Kirby, was this issue's most vocal critic, initially bombarding "Greenskin's Grab Bag" with a flood of angry denunciations. Upon learning the truth, he blamed Shooter.

Lavishly illustrated by Al Milgrom and Don Perlin with a killer Hembeck cover, this issue is a dizzying mix of beloved cowboys from Marvel's revered western canon, relevant 80's social commentary about the "partying students vs. the dean" conflicts which were arising all over the nation, and a loving ode to Mort Weisinger.

Jim Shooter explains that he "suggested" (cracking his knuckles) the story to Roy, who didn't want to do the story, stormed out of the Marvel offices, shoving his way past Danny Fingerfroth and Bob DeNatale and spent the next three days hopped up on Maxwell House, rampaging around NYC, spray-painting obscene Shooter-directed graphitti all over storefronts and people's townhouses (the story goes that when confronted by police, the sickly, 5"1 Thomas warned in his queroulous, cracked voice that they wouldn't like him when he was angry. Actually, they had never liked him to begin with). Roy was not tall enough to have ever been able to see Shooter's face, so his caricatures were all guesswork, and really just looked like Gabe Kaplan from "Welcome Back Kotter", who wondered aloud, "What did I ever do to him?" in an interview with Johnny Carson.

It was while cooling his heels in a 10 x 10 cell that Thomas had the inspriation to do a story. Demanding a pencil and a ream of paper, and given a crayon and an empty cereal box, RT set to work penning his masterpiece among the teeming denizens of the drunk tank. When finally bailed out by Jerry Bails, Roy stormed back to Marvel and threw the cereal box across Shooter's desk, sneering triumphantly at his victory. Looking at it, Shooter saw that it was the exact same story he had asked for, and accepted the submission. Thomas declared a victory. Shooter ate his lunch and called the Knicks to see if they were hiring.

So, onto the story. It begins poignantly with a chiarascuro splash of Bruce wandering the desert, looking for his keys. They had been stolen by the Abomination in the previous issue (IRRATIONAL HULK #348, THESE KEYS MY DESTINY). As he walks, he thinks of how MODOK actually looks really funny, and starts cracking up. When he can't stop laughing, his risible agitation awakens the beast within him, and he transforms into the Hulk, bellowing his rage to the elements, "HULK LAUGH!!!"

In the lonely desert, the Hulk is confronted by the cowboy Ghost Rider and the Rawhide Kid who are looking for directions. After a few pages of roughhousing, the Hulk agrees to lead them to the nearest town, Albuquerque, NM. Passing a nearby casino, they are attacked by the Hobgoblin, who has devised a brand new Adamantium Bat Glider, and wants to try it out in NM where there are more open spaces. If all went well, he was planning to take over the Albuquerque crime rackets.

Coincidentally, Aunt May and Anna Watson have come to Albuquerque to escape the NYC winter and play KENO, and they are walking into the casino just as the Goblin attacks the Hulk. Hulk smashes a mighty green fist right into the Hobgoblin's midsection, liquifying his insides instantly, but the bat glider flies off wildly without him, swooping down and scooping up Aunt May, who miraculously gets her feet into the stirrups just in time ("Oh, my stars!!!").

Of course, May is a quick study, but not quick enough to divert the bat glider from flying into a nearby store front. Reaching frantically for something to grab, she grabs a bottle of Pennzoil, and as the Glider bursts out of the store's side wall, she, the bat glider, and the bottle of Pennzoil smash directly into the Hulk's purple-garbed gluteous gammaximus.

All are unhurt, but Hulk now has an unsightly hole in his then 25-year old pair of purple pants and there's oil everywhere. The cowboys are no help, since all they have are chaps. Fortunately, Rick Jones pops up in his long hair and cowboy hat and plays guitar, soothing the savage beast that is Aunt May and the Hulk as well, lulling everyone into slumber as he and the two time-displaced cowboys close out the issue with a sweet rendition of "Happy Trails".

Spider-Man issue explained

"rayray" asked:

a friend of mine sent me this .gif and I can't for the life of me figure of who the other person in this picture is. Please help me out guys!!

also; this is my first post so I don't quite know how this works. I attached the pic so hopefully it'll show up?

I wrote: It's Doctor Doom.

Those are three panels (animated like a flip-book) from Roy Thomas's greatest Marvel epic, "The Atlantean-Dormammunanean War", in particular from the story "This Person, This Propeller", with art by a then up-and-coming John Byrne. Todd McFarlane and Alan Moore list this story as their biggest influence. It was this story that moved Jack Kirby to finally quit Marvel for good. He claimed that Roy Thomas had snuck into his house at night and used his evil telepathy to steal the ideas right out of the King's head while he slept (This was later proven to be true).

In the story, Doctor Doom finally fixes his face and decides to become a hero called the Crimson Cannonball. Leaving Latveria behind, he goes to New York sporting a brand new heroic red costume with a formidable looking red propeller helmet, intending to join the rest of the Marvel heroes in their battle against such villains as he himself.

Right off the bat, Doom falls madly in love with Janet Van Dyne, who was still mooning after Hank Pym, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, and Thor at the time. He and Peter Parker double date with Janet V.D. and Pepper Potts (fresh off of her break up with Tony Stark in the story "Madness is the Mosquito-Men"), but the restaurant is attacked by the Trapster and Paste Pot Pete (who had travelled there from the past to team up with himself, inspired by the Doom/Rama-Tut phenomenon).

The Trapster plants a spinning anti-gravity device upon the personage of Doom, while P.P.Pete keeps shooting his paste at the girls. Spidey tries to punch the device off of Doom (pictured) but he is not fast enough and keeps giving Doom gut-checks. At that moment, in the FF title, Galactus comes to earth for the first time, the FF get back from the Inhuman's kingdom, the Thing fights the Golden Age Punisher, the Surfer betrays Galactus, Johnny Storm goes into Galactus's ship, gets the Ultimate Nullifier, scares off Galactus, and Sue gives birth to Franklin.

Meanwhile, back at the Bistro, Peter finally gets the device off of Doom. Johnny Storm shows up with his best girl Doreen for some ice cream sundaes, and is dismayed to see paste all over the place. He talks the two villains into surrendering themselves because he will let them have a ride to the police station in his sweet hot rod, and he also offers them some Twinkies and Hostess Cupcakes, which I've never liked.

Doom, as the Crimson Cannonball, is welcomed into the ranks of the Avengers, and of course remains with them to this day, as their greatest hero. Peter and Pepper broke up, to the heartbreak of fans everywhere who loved having a couple with the same initials.

This story is referenced in Eric Clapton's "Layla", and Clapton himself says that the long piano bit at the end is a musical representation of the story's events. Sam Raimi said that he got literally thousands of e-mails from fans begging him to use this storyline as the basis for his Spider-Man 3, but says that he didn't feel that the medium of film could do it justice. "I'm not just going to set myself up for failing to bring to life the story that defined Marvel, what do I look like? A Schlemiel? A Schlemozzle?" The fans never forgave him, and Spider-Man 3 is widely reviled as a missed opportunity which should have been the Crimson Cannonball's. Fans today take heart that a new Spider Franchise is just around the corner, and are sure that Hollywood will listen to them this time and will bring "This Person, This Propeller" to vivid life on the silver screen.

Red Riding Hood Pitch Meeting

Monday, Jan 10, 2011 1:00 pm

Studios Development Department Offices

Ted: Whattya got?

Harry: OK, picture this: It's little Red Riding Hood...

Ted: I Hate it.

Harry: But SEXY!

Ted: I LOVE IT! Greenlight. No wait, you'd better tell me more.

Harry: Um,... really? (pauses) Gosh... OK. I got it. The Kindly Woodsman is a Robert Pattinson type in black leather pants.

Ted: You read my mind.

Harry: The wolf is really a Vampire!

Ted: Yes! Wait, what? Why?

Harry: Well, I want millions of dollars, not just hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Ted: But the Wolf doesn't need to be a vampire, he can just be a werewolf.

Harry: But... (mumbles) I'm on Team Edward...

Ted: Huh?

Harry: Nothing. Fine. Werewolf. Let's move on.

Ted: Get to the Sex!

Harry: Well, she's doinkin' the Woodsman, obviously.

Ted: Go on...

Harry: And then, let's throw in a triangle... Let's see... Team Woodsman... The other guy is good-looking, but not TOO good-looking...

Ted: He DOESN'T wear leather pants.

Harry: No, he's like more of a sheepskin guy. Brown hair. No gel.

Ted: Girls HATE guys with brown hair and no gel. They always go for the gel.

Harry: So, Team Gel and Team No Gel.

Ted: Team No Gel is going to be a pretty small team.

Harry: (mumbles) If you'd let me put vampires in...

Ted: NO VAMPIRES!

Harry: No Vampires. But...it still needs something...

Ted: We got a triangle, We got the leather pants... What else...

(They are silent for a moment)

Harry: (Slams hands on knees) I GOT IT! A WHODUNIT!!!

Ted: Who done what?

Harry: Who ate the Gramma!!!

Ted: But the Wolf ate the Gramma!

Harry: BUT WHO IS THE WOLF??? RIGHT????

Ted: (kind of drops jaw in amazement) oh my gawd...

Harry: RIGHT??? IT'S A WEREWOLF!!! It could be anybody!!!

Ted: YES! So Who IS it!

Harry: Who cares? Make it anybody. But throw suspicion on EVERYBODY!

Ted: The Gramma?

Harry: YES!

Ted: The Woodsman?

Harry: YES!

Ted: Wait, I'm trying to wrap my mind around this.

Harry: What's to wrap?

Ted: Well, we're making a movie about Red Riding hood where she's doinking the woodsman and the wolf is a werewolf, OK, that writes itself, but if we're going to then try and be like, "What if the GRAMMA is the Wolf, and what if the WOODSMAN is the wolf, then I feel like we're getting too trippy.

Harry: Nic Cage.

Ted: Come again?

Harry: Nic Cage. Put him in there as a werewolf-hunting detective. Van Helsing with a sword!

Ted: Wait a minute. Who's the good guy here? The Wolf? The Woodsman? The Van Helsing? I'm confused.

Harry: .... Are you?

Ted: Yes!

Harry: As confused as... a teenage girl?

Ted: ... (pauses) BRILLANT. Harry my man, you are one sensitive male.

Harry: (beams delightedly) Chicks tell me that a lot.

Ted: So, back to Cage. Is he good or bad? He'll play whatever. He can play both. I just want to know which it is.

(Harry closes eyes. After a moment, raises hands in the air and begins to move them about, conducting music only he can hear.)

Harry: hmmmm......... werewolves, curses........religious angle...... twilight fangirls.... hot topic merchandise..... wiccans......... He's BAD.

Ted: Cage's bad? Harry: He's bad. A total cock-blocker. Buzzkill in a goatee. Bad.

Ted: So is the wolf good?

Harry: He's good because he's interesting, and he's furry, but let's be honest. The only person the girls are gonna root for is the woodsman.

Ted: Team Gel.

Harry: Anyone else is just in the way.

Ted: So OK, the wolf's bad, and Nicholas Cage is bad,... You know what? What's the conflict?

Harry: Well, I think it's classic Wolf vs. Woodsman. Plus Cage,... Wait a minute, that's two conflicts. Now I'm getting twisted up around this thing...

Ted: It's ok, I got this. You have to look though the plot and all the distractions and see, really, what is at stake for the main character? What is she trying to do?

Harry: Doink the Woodsman?

Ted: DOINK THE WOODSMAN. EXACTLY. So, who's in her way?

Harry: The other guy who wants to doink her!

Ted: No, he's not really in her way. He's just there as a trope. Think about it! Who is always interfering with teen-age girls and their boyfriends?

Harry: THE DAD!!!!!! She has a dad?

Ted: She does now! (they high-five)

Harry: The dad's the wolf.

Ted: He eats the Gramma?

Harry: She's the mother in law! Of course he eats her. He's fed up with her and her bullcrap.

Ted: No can do.

Harry: Wait, why?

Ted: My name's gonna be on this thing. Have you met my mother in law? She'll know it was me. She reads into everything. Her and my wife get together,.....You want me sleeping on the couch? The dad can't eat his mother-in-law. That's just how it is.

Harry: Well, you want him eating his own mother?

Ted: I'm OK with that.

Harry: Weird. OK, well, we got the gel triangle, the whodunit, the doinking, the buzzkilling, the wolf, ... Who's gonna direct?

Ted: Throw me some names...

Harry: Michael Bay!

Ted: Perfect! Lemme shoot some emails here... (types)

Harry: Who can we get to merchandise this? McDonald's obviously.... Do a theme with how hungry wolves get and he'll eat a Big Mac. Teenage girls in red hoodies... it's too easy. Can we get Evanescence on the soundtrack?

Ted: No, they broke up.

Harry: Shit, Muse then.

Ted: Muse with Amy Lee doing Guest Vocals!

Harry: Aerosmith!

Ted: Bad news. Bay just replied to my email. He's out.

Harry: Why?

Ted: He's doing a remake of Sophie's Choice.

Harry: That's gonna be AWESOME!

Ted: Cage is out too, he just replied.

Harry Why?

Ted: He's booked. I'm sending you a link he just sent me. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eExfV_xKaiM ).

Harry: Wow! Those all look like winners! Who else will do any movie they get offered?

Ted: Oldman.

Harry: You are a genius. I'm not worthy! (They shake hands)

Harry: OK, I gotta go, the secretary gave me a spec script she thinks I should check out. It's a movie about the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick maker. It's an allegory about gay marriage. I'm thinking Gyllenhall, musical, set in the roaring thirties. Like Newsies.

Ted: That's GOLD! I want a piece!

Harry: You got it! I'm out! (exits)

Ted: (starts typing, sings) "burnin' the ground, I break from the crowd, AND I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!!!!!!!......."

Caruso

CSI taught me that to solve murders in Las Vegas you look at bugs, and it works every time! To solve crimes in Miami you take off your sunglasses and say clever things quietly. To solve crimes in New York you actually film in Los Angeles. And, that there will always be room for another CSI as long as they dont run out of songs by The Who.

I have come to the inescapable, but not unexpected conclusion that there is not a movie in existence that would not be improved X20 if you were to go back in time and replace either the main hero or the main villain with David Caruso.

Except for the movies where he already plays one of those roles, you couldn't replace him in the other role too.

Like Face/Off, you couldn't have David Caruso vs. David Caruso wearing each other's faces pretending to be each other.

Or, wait a minute...

*goes back to drawing board and re-checks my equations...

YES, YOU COULD.

                                                         David Caruso only wants to help.

On CSI MIAMI, David Caruso portrays not a mortal, but rather an archangel of both mercy AND vengeance, with the power to sense both corruption AND desperate need. His blaze of burning ginger hair is his fiery halo, and his Colt .45 s his terrible swift sword. When Caruso shows up, it is only a matter of time before the guilty are smote and the endangered are given haven. He puts on his sunglasses whenever his holy wrath is set aflame, otherwise his gaze would incinerate Emily Proctor and Adam Rodriguez as happened at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. When Roger Daltrey screams at the beginning of each episode, it is the sound of Armageddon being initiated by the sins of man, and he can hear it, and he knows that he can only forestall the deluge upon this Earth by correcting the iniquity.

Boast

Let it be known to ALL, that Tom is who I be,

Son of Carl, born of Ann, stewed in fury and pierced by hooks of lust, and think not that I cannot see you and your craven scheming through my hot, bloody tears, for I have wept them so long that I no longer feel them.

It be mine intention to resist any and all tasks as dictated by unworthy castle-mice, to resist any and all baitings by those whose egos weigh down their very heads like they were chained by the neck to ingots, and to meet hatred with much more of same than such newborn, beardless children as may seek to employ such rage against my person may have ever dreamt of, for hatred is my curse and the blood in my veins.

And yet I turn from this malice and toward the love and mercy of our Father and his Son and that Spirit that shine down their love upon us, and my accomplishments are that I have turned away from vengeance and allowed those who've crossed me to live on, to learn from their errors or to sink or swim upon such rafts as their souls may have built or failed to build. Let them sink or sail as their hearts merit.

One day I shall be gone and with me all of this fury and all of this confusion. I shall take it with me and return it to the Crippled one from whom it came as I pass through on my way to the world beyond, where I shall surely await you and meet you at the gate.

So say I. Raise your glasses.

The Intercession

The nurse left work at five o’clock. She did not like to remain one minute longer than she was obligated, because she had cats. Upon her departure, the doctor closed the door to his office and sat back in his chair with a scotch and water, and after slowly savoring this remedy to the stresses of the day and of dealing with the nurse, he too left. Then, there was only Graciela.

In most places Graciela would be known as the doctor’s receptionist, but here in this town she was known to all as Graciela, as in “Graciela who in her teens had been crowned the queen at the summer’s festival of Santa Lucia three times!”, or “Graciela who accompanied the nuns on their trip to visit the holy place and brought back with her a puppy.” There are those who knew her as “Graciela who pummeled a street thief with a bag of squash and was therefore not robbed of her bag of squash”, and those who knew her as “Graciela who taught me how to dance and now thanks to her kind instruction I am married to a blessed, sainted woman and I must now go home”.

Graciela with a small broom dusted the office and swept the corners. The phone at her desk rang, and she went to answer it, waiting until the third ring.

“Hello, this is Doctor Armendariz’s office.”

“Graciela, thank God it is you. Please, can you help me?”

“What is it?”

“When I move my elbow, it does not feel right.”

“Well, you will have to ask Doctor Armendariz about it. Would you like to see him tomorrow?”

“It feels funny.”

“Tomorrow at ten? “

“It feels like, when you crack a walnut and the walnut snaps? It feels like that walnut.”

“Doctor Armendariz will be very anxious to see your elbow.”

“Graciela, what am I to do? I am no good like this. How am I to cook? I can hardly change the dial on my television!”

“You must come in and let Doctor Armendariz see your elbow at the earliest opportunity.”

“Will I be able to go to my daughter’s wedding this June?”

“Only Doctor Armendariz will know for sure.”

“Why do these things happen to us?”

“Will you come in tomorrow at ten?”

“My daughter needs me. I have to make the zizzitza for her wedding.”

“You are a good mother to your daughter. Will you come in tomorrow at ten?”

“Her father was a saint.”

“He would want you to come see Doctor Armendariz.”

“Now she is to be married to that boy.”

“What a happy day that will-”

“That boy’s mother cannot cook worth a damn. What is she going to cook? People have to eat. It is a wedding!”

“It is good that you are involved.”

“I must be strong.”

“Doctor Armendariz will do all he can for you when you come to see him tomorrow at ten.”

“You are so good to me, Graciela. I know that you will not let my elbow ruin my life and my daughter’s wedding day. Bless you. Bless you.”

“Thank you, Marisol, we will see you tomorrow at ten.”

“Bless you!” Then, to another in the room, “Graciela will know what to do tomorrow at ten!”

Graciela continued sweeping, and the phone did not ring again. At the door, she paused a moment to give it one last chance, which it did not take advantage of (this time), and finally left for the day with her bag, locking the door behind her.

end

Tuesday in Springtime

(read at your own risk)

Tuesday morning was warm and sunny, with a pleasant breeze blowing down Main Street, ruffling the ladies’ hair, and making the tulips dance in the flowerboxes on the balconies of the apartments in the townhouses which lined the way, as Mr. Edward Nelson, looking quite well turned out in his tan three-piece suit and pastel tie, strolled to his job at the Stribling Building. His morning strolls to work were among his favorite activities, and he looked forward to seeing all of his friends and acquaintances along the way. This morning, he stopped at Gina’s sidewalk diner for a light breakfast of toast and juice, and also at the ReadyTime Florist shop to pick up a dozen pink carnations for his wife. Having them in water in his office throughout the day would bring a pleasant and relaxing scent to his workplace, and his wife would certainly adore seeing them later.

The Stribling Building was the newest in town, and at 14 floors, also the tallest. The front was smartly paned with reflective glass windows that let the sunlight in but deflected the day’s heat, providing invigorating natural light to visitors in the lobby. Nelson greeted the receptionist and the security guard (Blanche and Harvey, respectively) and they cheerfully greeted him back, their spirits no doubt lively as much from each other’s good company as from their bright surroundings.

Harvey stepped into the elevator, and was happy to hear the sound system in working order. “Oh, good, elevator music!” he smiled to himself, and began to hum along. Just as the door was almost closed, he spotted three girls running lightly to try to catch it. Luckily, he was able to hit the “open” button in time!

The girls were Tuesday Lewis, Kathy King, and Laurie Smith, local girls from the high school. They were dressed very prettily in sun dresses and light jackets, and each carried lemonade in a paper cup. Nelson knew each of them by name, as they had been in the building many times, visiting Tuesday’s uncle Brian, and also through his various volunteer projects in the community. Tuesday’s mother Martha had been good friends with his wife Marge since childhood.

The girls flooded onto the elevator, with giddy cries of “Thank you, Mr. Nelson!” sailing in their constant laughter. “Well, girls, no school today?” Nelson kidded them as he hit the button to the 14 th floor.

“No, no Mr. Nelson, We’re not playing hooky, we promise!” pleaded Kathy ebulliently. Laurie chimed in, “Today is parent-teacher conferences!!! I am in SO MUCH TROUBLE if that mean Mr. Laurence tells my mom how I was passing notes in algebra! Omigod!!!”

Kathy lightly slugged Laurie in the arm. “I’m so sure! I’m going to be in trouble too, thanks a lot! I didn’t even want to read your stupid note!”

“ But it was important!” giggled Kathy, flush with embarrassment. “Yeah, right.” dismissed Laurie.

“Why was it so important, Kathy?” indulged Nelson, giving her a chance, since she obviously wanted to explain herself.

“I just had to ask….” she interrupted herself with a burst of laughter, “just had to ask if she had read my note from YESTERDAY!” And with that, Nelson and all three girls had a good laugh. Poor Kathy was almost in tears.

“I think Mr. Laurence is nice,” offered Tuesday. He lets me sit away from stupid Matt Krattkey, even though I should be in front of him, alphabetically.” The other girls nodded, shuddering at the thought of Matt, who they all deemed “so gross”.

“Well, I’ll bet you girls get good reviews,” offered Nelson. “Oh, thank you, we hope so, too,” chimed the girls.

“You guys,” Tuesday began, “Did you know that Mr. Nelson’s wife and my mom were friends back in high school?” As she spoke, she reached into her purse and pulled out a large, live rat, which squirmed and writhed furiously in her hand.

“No, for real,” she continued. Mrs. Nelson made me a quilt one year, and I still have it!” She raised the enraged rodent to her mouth, rolled it over, and took a large bite out of its back, pulling away with a mouthful of meat, blood and spine.

As the rat spasmed and shrieked in her steel grip, the other girls looked on in astonishment. “TUESDAY!!!! OMIGOD!!!! YOU BROUGHT A RAT???” they shouted.

“Yeph” said Tuesday with her mouth full, then laughed at her lack of etiquette. “Phorry..” she tittered, a few drops of blood spraying out of her mouth.

“Well, you just brought one?” accused Kathy.

“Yeah, … do you want some?”

“Omigod, yes, I am so hungry!!!!”

Tuesday clutched the rat’s body in both hands, and ripped it in two. She handed the ass, legs, and tail end to Kathy, who immediately chomped right into its buttocks, sucking like it was an oyster.

Laurie, meanwhile, stomped a foot. “Aw, no fair! I want some!!!!!”

“Well, I’m phorry, Laurie! I only had one!” pleaded Tuesday.

Kathy handed Laurie a dangling leg, attached to a twitching tail.

“But you ate the guts! That’s my favorite part!!!!”

Kathy was actually chewing on the rat’s guts at that very moment, savoring the feces within. “Well, you should have said something sooner…” she said without sympathy.

Nelson, through all of this, merely shook his head. With a sigh, he reached over and hit the emergency stop button on the control panel, and crossed his arms, waiting quietly until he had their attention.

When they all looked in his direction, he began. “Girls. I have to say, I am a little surprised at you. Tuesday, you know you shouldn’t eat rats, or anything else, while standing up in public! Eating is for the dinner table, or picnic tables….” Nelson smiled kindly and went on.

“And Kathy. As good a friend as Tuesday is to you, you still had to guilt her into giving you half of what was really hers. That is really not how a friend acts, is it?” Kathy shook her head, looking down. “And Laurie, if you guilt a friend into sharing, it’s not really sharing at all, is it?” “No, I guess not, Mr. Nelson.” Laurie toed the floor shyly, and handed the leg and tail axle back to Kathy. “Here, Kathy. You eat it.” Kathy’s eyes lit up as she palmed the carcass fragment. Tuesday, meanwhile, continued chewing on the rat’s neck, being careful not to ruin the cervical spine (along with the head, her Uncle Brian’s favorite).

Nelson sat down on the floor of the elevator. The girls also sat in a circle around him, eager to hear the rest of what he had to say. “Girls, working at this surveying and titling firm has taught me a lot of important lessons, but the most important lesson is this; the best kind of friend to have is the kind you can count on, and the kind that you take pride in their being able to count on you. And, when you have friends like that, that’s better than gold!” The girls nodded in agreement, smiling at each other, and reaching for each other’s hands.

“That’s right,” said Nelson. “Now, I think you girls have learned a valuable lesson about friendship today…” “We sure have,” cooed each of the girls, than laughed at how they each had said the same thing at the same time. Nelson continued, “And I hate to see such good kids be disappointed or hungry, so I guess I can help out with that…”

“What do you mean, Mr. Nelson?” asked Tuesday, as they all stood back up. “Well, I was going to save this for my lunch today, but I think I’d rather you girls had this…” and he pointed to his buttocks.

Laurie’s eyes grew wide with delight. “Do you mean….”

“Yes, girls, It so happens I have a live rat in my rectum right now! And while your rat was a nice size, Laurie, I think you’ll find that this one is a meal fit for a duke!”

The girls clapped and bounced up and down.

“You’re just going to have to help me pull it out, if you don’t mind,”

“Oh, not at all, Mr. Nelson!!!!!” squealed the girls delightedly as he let his pants fall to the floor and bent over.

Minutes later, after they had let the elevator continue its ascent to the 14 th floor, they emerged together, laughing and finishing the last bites of their lunch. Nancy, the courier from the eastside branch, was waiting for them. “Well,” she exclaimed, “I was wondering what was keeping that gosh-darned elevator! What are you pals up to? “

“Oh, you know, Nancy,” called Tuesday over her shoulder as they ran to Uncle Brian’s office, “Just a little early lunch!”

“Those girls,” chuckled Nelson. “Hey, Nancy, you wouldn’t happen to have any rats on you, would you? I just gave away my lunch!”

fini

Thomas Caniglia

Honolulu, HI

August 2007

Giffen and Dematteis Justice League Index

For readers interested in the Giffen/DeMatteis/Jones runs on Justice League titles, I'm providing an index, along with recommended issues from other titles and recommended Secret Origins issues. Titles are listed in recommended reading order.

INDEX PART 1:

SECRET ORIGINS 32 (Peter David/Eric Shanower. The new post-crisis origin for the JLA. MUST READ!!
SECRET ORIGINS 46 (Grant Morrison, origin of JLA's mountain HQ)
BATMAN ANNUAL 14 (Andy Helfer, Chris Sprouse, Two-Face origin)
SECRET ORIGINS 2 (Roy Thomas, Gil Kane, Blue Beetle origins)

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA 258-261(The End Of The Justice League Of America)
JM DeMatteis, Luke McDonnell
Members: Vibe, Gypsy, Steel, Vixen, Jonn Jonnz.
runs concurrently with LEGENDS MINISERIES.

LEGENDS 1-6 (John Ostrander, John Byrne)

JUSTICE LEAGUE 1 (Editor, Andy Helfer, Keith Giffen, JM DeMatteis, Kevin Maguire)

FIRESTORM 64, Annual 5 (John Ostrander, Tom Orchezowski, JL vs. Suicide Squad vs. Firestorm)
recommended: this whole storyline, Firestorm 55-64, Annual 5, 65.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 2-4
JUSTICE LEAGUE ANNUAL 1 (Giffen, Dematteis, Bill Willingham)
JUSTICE LEAGUE 5-7 (with 7, becomes JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL)

recommended: DR FATE miniseries 1-4, DeMatteis, Giffen art. This guest stars the JL and sets up the DR. FATE ongoing by DeMatteis/McManus.

Also recommended: DC Comics Presents #88. Since the Creeper appears in JL #5-7, this issue with Giffen art makes a nice introduction to the character. JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 8-12, (involved in DC's MILLENIUM crossover)
recommended, SECRET ORIGINS 22, Roy Thomas, Manhunters)

JUSTICE LEAGUE/SUICIDE SQUAD crossover,
JUSTICE LEAGUE 13
SUICIDE SQUAD 13

Recommended: MARTIAN MANHUNTER miniseries, JM DeMatteis, Mark Badger)

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL Annual 2

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 14-15 (Steve Leiahola art, Manga Khan and Lobo)
JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 16-17 (Kevin Maguire returns, vs Queen Bee)
JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 18-21 (vs Manga Khan and New Gods, Templeton art on 20, 21)

INVASION CROSSOVER EVENT:
INVASION #1
JLI 22
recommended tie-in: Animal Man 6
INVASION 2
JLI 23
Recommended: Animal Man 7
Doom Patrol 17 (Aquaman, Sea Devils, Gene Bomb goes off)
INVASION 3
JLI 24 (sets up the reorganization to Justice League America and Justice League Europe)
recommended: ANIMAL MAN 9, BLASTERS SPECIAL 1 (Peter David, Jim Fern), FLASH annual 3, LEGION 89 #1

JLI 25 (first McKone art) Beetle and Booster encounter a Vampire named Caitiff.
Caitiff had first appeared in Action Comics #577, written by Keith Giffen and Robert Loren Fleming, art by Giffen.

Starting with #26, the JL title becomes JUSTICE LEAGUE AMERICA

Notes on Index part 1:

Descriptions of the Giffen/DeMatteis era as a bunch of cheap jokes are highly inaccurate. The book was a good mix of drama and humor, much more along the lines of Peter David's run on INCREDIBLE HULK.

SECRET ORIGINS 32 (Peter David/Eric Shanower, new post crisis origin for the JLA, MUST READ!!)
This story is beautifully drawn, and a lot of fun.

SECRET ORIGINS 46 (Grant Morrison, origin of JLA's mountain HQ) A good reflection of the creativity that was thriving at DC at the time.

BATMAN ANNUAL 14 (Andy Helfer, Chris Sprouse, Two-Face origin)
I include this because Andy Helfer was Giffen and DeMatteis’ editor, and he didn't write comics very often. This story was a brilliant origin for Two-Face, and it sets the tone for Batman's character very well for the Batman who would appear in JL titles.

SECRET ORIGINS 2 (Roy Thomas, Gil Kane, Blue Beetle) The Gil Kane art is great, and it gives a decent background history on Ted Kord and Dan Garrett, his predecessor as Blue Beetle.

"THE END OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA"
JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA #258-261, 1986.

The members at this time were Vibe, Gypsy, Vixen, Steel, and J'onn J'onnz. Batman, Zatanna, Aquaman, and the Elongated Man also did guest stints with this crew, but all of them had left prior to this storyline. This storyline runs during the LEGENDS miniseries.

This storyline is written by JM DeMatteis, and involves a deadly plot by Professor Ivo to destroy the JLA. Very dramatic and well done, with an unusual ending. Vibe, who had been handled badly and was not liked by many fans, is given his best portrayal. I think if he'd always been written so well, he wouldn't have been so disliked. Vibe and Steel, who had been somewhat temperamental as a member of the JLA, meet tragic fates. The real sadness of death, the lost potential of those who die prematurely, is vividly portrayed.

What is left of the JLA at the end of this story disbands, and the new group informally forms up for the first time in LEGENDS.

LEGENDS
LEGENDS 1-6

Writer: John Ostrander
Penciller: John Byrne

A follow-up to CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS, meant to give the newly revised DC Universe a kick start and launch several titles, including FLASH (now with Wally West), WONDER WOMAN, JUSTICE LEAGUE, SUICIDE SQUAD, and SHAZAM.

Darkseid plots to defeat Earth's heroes and enslave the planet by turning earth's population against their own super-powered people. During the course of this story, a new Justice League forms, consisting of Black Canary, Martian Manhunter, Dr. Fate, Blue Beetle, Captain Marvel, and Green Lantern (Guy Gardner). They don't get much focus during the story.

NOTE: The CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS revised DC History. All of the pre-crisis stories were said to still exist as DC's past history, but with changes here and there. Nowhere was this more problematic than with Hawkman, Wonder Woman, Wonder Girl, and the Legion of Superheroes.

In the Pre-Crisis DCU, Wonder Woman was a contemporary of Barry Allen and Hal Jordan, and founded the original JLA with they, J’onn J’onnz, and Aquaman, with Batman and Superman often on the team.

However, in the Post-Crisis DCU, Wonder Woman is not to become known about or active until the Legends series. Superman had never been a JLA member, and Batman had only joined the JLA sporadically. Wonder Woman is replaced in JLA history with Black Canary.

JUSTICE LEAGUE (new series) #1-7.

Writers: Giffen and DeMatteis
Editor: Andy Helfer
Artist: Kevin Maguire.

The same team from Legends forms, manipulated by Maxwell Lord, who appears here for the first time. Batman, the new Dr. Light (a Japanese woman), and Mr. Miracle also join.

In their first adventure, they confront a suicide bomber at the UN.

FIRESTORM 64 and annual 5

The new JL shows up at the end of FIRESTORM 64, which continues in FIRESTORM Annual 5, where the JL battles the new Suicide Squad. This is significant for a number of reasons.:

1. This storyline, including FIRESTORM 55-64, annual 5, -65, is one of the best Firestorm stories, one of the best of the new post-crisis titles, some of John Ostrander's best mainstream work (which is saying something), and sets up the later JL/Suicide Squad crossover around JL 13.

Next, in JL 2, they intervene in Russia when Russian missile silos are attacked by a group of anti-nuke heroes from another dimension, where their earth was destroyed by nuclear weapons. This group had appeared in the JLA comic once or twice before. They are a thinly disguised version of Marvel comic's Avengers, Thor, Scarlet Witch and Ant-Man, called Wandjina, Silver Sorceress, and Bluejay. The Extremists, who later appear in the JLE series, are from this same Marvelesque world, and mirror some of Marvel’s most powerful villains.

Booster Gold joins in #4, as a pawn of Max Lord.

JL Annual 1 happens between JL 4 and 5. The heroes fight an alien virus that controls minds, pitting the entire league against Jonn.

In JL #5, the famous confrontation between Guy Gardner and Batman takes place.

In JL #5-7, The League fight a mystical agent of the Lords of Order called the Grey Man. It is in this story that J.M. DeMatteis really exerts his full poetic abilities. His narrative told from the Grey Man's point of view is stunning, poetic, and chilling. Maguire's realistic art really adds to the effect.

This story leads nicely into the Dr Fate miniseries by Giffen and Dematteis. During this miniseries, the torch is passed from Kent Nelson to a young man named Eric, and the love of his life, Linda, who must merge when they transform into Fate. Kent Nelson dies, and Nabu remains in his reanimated body to coach the young couple and to learn about being human. This miniseries was 4 issues, followed by a wonderful ongoing series by DeMatteis and Sean McManus that lasted 24 issues before being revamped with a new creative team.

By #7, The team has garnered such national attention that Max Lord is able to get them United Nations sponsorship on the condition that they take on Captain Atom and Rocket Red as members. Dr. Light, Dr. Fate, and Shazam leave the team. The title of the book changes to JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. Sometime after this, Captain Atom tells Blue Beetle a bunch of lies about a shared past he had teaming up with Beetle's predecessor Dan Garrett. This is in CAPTAIN ATOM #20. Beetle later discovers that these are lies. None of this happens in the JLI titles, but it is referenced.

JLI 9 and 10 are crossover issues with MILLENIUM, a miniseries written by Steve Englehart involving the Green Lanterns, Guardians, and Manhunters. These issues also star Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Superman, and Hal Jordan as Green Lantern. With Kevin Maguire art, it's a treat to see his renditions of the old school characters. The Hawkman and Hawkwoman who appear here would soon after have to be revised as Thanagarian spies, and not Katar Hol and Shayera Thal.

Overall, the MILLENIUM crossover did not have the impact that CRISIS and LEGENDS had. Its cool reception from the fans was possibly due to the lack of a top tier artist.

(It's probably hard for newer readers to imagine a time when comics art paled in comparison to what's on the stands today. Ever since the Image Comics explosion in the early '90's, there has been a wide pool of impressive talent for companies to choose from, but prior to that, the talent was pretty sparse, and most of the comics from that time that a reader of today might pick up would seem to have very pedestrian art.)

This is why John Byrne, George Perez, Steve Rude, and Barry Windsor-Smith were so revered; at the time, they were the only game in town. It's also why Kevin Maguire was so admired, because his art really was something special, head and shoulders above the rest. Unfortunately, he would be overshadowed entirely by Todd McFarlane, who would of course use his powers for evil, rather than good.

The JUSTICE LEAGUE/SUICIDE SQUAD crossover. This was a great story. Batman is portrayed at his most maddening here; conflicted, inflexible, and just on the edge of giving into monstrous rage. Not to spoil anything, but the fight between Batman and Rick Flagg (leader of the Suicide Squad) is one of my favorite fights in comics, my favorite Batman moments, and one of my favorite DC moments. This story takes place after the death of Jason Todd, and Batman is spiraling into suicidal depression and unfocused rage. This was also going on in the BATMAN titles, and his psychological condition would only worsen until he and Dick Grayson meet Tim Drake, whose contribution to Batman's life is positive and monumental.

INVASION CROSSOVER EVENT: This is one of the best crossovers ever. The idea is that all of DC's alien races gang up to invade earth. The Khunds, The Thanagarians, The Daxamites, and the Dominators, and others I can't remember. They basically kick the crap out of the earth heroes, but when the heroes start to gain ground, a bomb is set off that incapacitates all of them. This bomb also activates powers in a bunch of normal people, creating many new heroes, including Crazy Jane in the pages of DOOM PATROL.

Grant Morrison, already writing Animal Man at this time, takes over the writing of DOOM PATROL, making it one of the strangest, most surreal, fun and interesting comics ever.

A book that would spring from INVASION was LEGION’89. This title featured Vril Dox, the son of Superman’s villain BRAINIAC, and his efforts to form an intergalactic contracted police force. The first 12 issues were written by Giffen, and feature Barry Kitson’s first mainstream artwork. This first year of the series is Giffen at his subversive best, playing with reader expectations and throwing in unexpected twists as his plot escalates at a fever pace. Dox’s manipulative abilities rival those of Machiavelli.

____________________________________________________________________

INDEX PART 2

JUSTICE LEAGUE EUROPE 1-4 (New series, Giffen, DeMatteis, Bart Sears)

JLA 26-29 Templeton art
JLA 30 Willingham art

recommended: Mister Miracle 6, 7, 8 (JM DeMatteis, McKone, Phillips)

JUSTICE LEAGUE EUROPE 5

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL Annual #3
McKone art in the first story.
The second half features one of the best, most defining Martian Manhunter and Batman stories by DeMatteis, with some of the worst and mismatched art ever by someone named Gula).

JLE 6
JLE annual 1

JLA/JLE CROSSOVER: "the Teasdale Imperative" (1st Adam Hughes DC art)

Dr Fate returns as a vampire infestation breaks out in Eastern Europe, masterminded by the successor to the Grey Man.

JLA 31
JLE 7
JLA 32
JLE 8-9 (#9 guest written by Bill Messner-Loebs)

JLA 33-35 (Adam Hughes art)
JLE 10- 12
JLA 36 (Tom Artis art, Scarlet Skier (parody of Marvel’s Silver Surfer)

JLA 37/JLE 13 (Furballs)

JLE 14
JLA annual 4 (Justice League Antarctica, McKone art)

(Note: around this time, Mister Miracle goes to space with Manga Khan, leaving a robot double behind. this happens in JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL SPECIAL 1, by Len Wein and Joe Phillips. It is not made clear in the JLA or JLE books that this is what happened, and for good reason.)

THE DESPERO ATTACK
JLA 38-40

THE EXTREMIST ATTACK
JLE 15-19 (Gerard Jones begins co-writing)

JLA 41-42 McKone art
membership drive, guest stars Hawk and Dove, Starman, and El Diablo, none of whom join. Orion and Lightray show up at the end and join.
Recommended: Hawk and Dove #20 (Maguire art)

JUSTICE LEAGUE QUARTERLY #1 (Chris Sprouse art. The Conglomerate, a group formed by Max Lord's business rival/ ex-wife Claire Montgomery, lures Booster to join them.)

JLA 43-44 (The Dark Side bar story. Adam Hughes art).
JLE 20-22, Marshall Rogers art

Justice League Quarterly 2
(Mr Nebula origin, Fire and Ice vs. Captain cold and Heat Wave)

JLA 45 (Russell Braun art, very funny story about Ice and Guy Gardner).
JLE 23-25 (Bart Sears art, Crimson fox origin)

JUSTICE LEAGUE QUARTERLY 5
PLEASE NOTE: I highly recommend reading JLIQ 5 at this point. It was actually released amid the "Breakdowns" crossover, but the stories chronologically fit better here, with only the Global Guardians story being an exception. There is an Ivo story, a Fire and Ice story, a Global Guardians story, and a General Glory story, which makes a perfect intro to the next storyline, "Glory Bound".

"GLORY BOUND"
JLA 46-47
JLIQ 3 (MUST READ!!)
JLA 48-50

JLIQ 4 Injustice League story with Jason Pearson art
JLA story that picks up 2 loose end characters from DR. FATE ongoing.

recommended: STARMAN 35 (Peter David, Mon El, Mister Nebula)

JLA 51 (Adam Hughes art)
JLE 26-28 Starro the Conqueror, Bart Sears art.
JLA 52. Guy/Beetle confrontation, Max Lord shot.

Notes on Index part 2

JUSTICE LEAGUE EUROPE 1-4 (New series, Giffen, DeMatteis, Bart Sears)
JLE consists of Captain Atom, Flash, Rocket Red, Power Girl, Elongated Man, Metamorpho, and (for a very short time) Wonder Woman. Fans who wonder why Sue Dibny has so many fans need only read issues of JLE.

In the JLE's first adventure, they come into conflict with The Queen Bee, who had taken over the middle eastern country of Bialya in JLI 16-17. There is also in the early issues a brillant, touching story of Wally and Ralph Dibny finally having it out over Dibny's constant picking on Wally, and it comes out that Dibny's been pushing Wally toward the confrontation to help him talk out his pain over Barry Allen's death. Another of my favorite DC moments, and easily Ralph Dibny's best story.

JLA 26-29 Templeton art
Ty Templeton’s more cartoony art mutes (a little) what is a good, horrific suspense story. Beetle goes on a murderous rampage under a post-hypnotic suggestion from Queen Bee. Batman and Suicide Squad's Amanda Waller try to snap Beetle out of it but almost kill him in the process. “Kent”/Nabu/the former Dr Fate is brought in to help.

JLA 30 Willingham art: One of my favorite New Gods stories. Barda's car is stolen by street punks, and one of them gets a hold of her Mega-Rod. The rod influences him to go on a spree of destruction, he kills his gangs's enemies and then his own friends, and by the time he's defeated (by the Huntress) his face is a skeletal mask and his body's wasted away. Throughout, his internal monologue reveals that he's hearing a voice in his head, and that it's Darkseid's.

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL Annual #3
Mike McKone art.
also features one of the best, most defining Martian Manhunter and Batman stories by DeMatteis, with some of the worst and mismatched art ever by someone named Gula.

THE DESPERO ATTACK
JLA 38-40

Things turn deadly as Despero returns to Earth and slaughter's Gypsy's family. The JLA stand almost no chance against him. Mister Miracle is killed, and Giff/Dematteis's handling of his funeral is incredible.
Orion shows up at the end, and although his scene at Scott's grave is all too brief, it is beautiful.

> THE EXTREMIST ATTACK
> JLE 15-19 (Gerard Jones begins co-writing)

The JLE is trashed by villains from another dimension, the same alternate earth that Silver Sorceress, Wandjina, and Bluejay from JL 2-4 are from. Just as those heroes were take-offs of Marvel heroes, the Extremists are take-offs of Marvel's most formidable villains:

Lord Havok/Dr.Doom
Doc Diehard/Magneto
Dreamslayer/both Nightmare and Dormammuu
Gorgon/Doc Ock
Trapper/Sabretooth and Kraven.

Gerard Jones’ writing contribution to this era is often overlooked. At the end of the Extremist saga, he takes the reins writing JLE, and maintains the spirit and quality very nicely while putting his own personal stamp on the stories. At the time, he had also written the entire run of the post-crisis GREEN LANTERN series all the way up to Ron Marz’s taking over the book with the notorious EMERALD TWILIGHT story arc.

> JUSTICE LEAGUE QUARTERLY #1 (Chris Sprouse art, the "Conglomerate", a group formed by Max Lord's business rival/ ex-wife Claire Montgomery)

This story is good and dramatic, Gypsy and Booster are members of the Conglomerate team, as is Vibe's younger brother.

JLA 43-44: The “Dark Side” bar story. This story features a bar where supervillains go in costume to hang out, staffed by waitresses who have to dress up as DC superheroines while they serve drinks. It has been often imitated, even by Alan Moore, who created “Clark’s Bar” during his run on Wildstorm’s WILDC.A.T.S, and most recently by Matt Fraction in PUNISHER WAR JOURNAL, in the Stilt-Man funeral issue.

JLA 45 (Russell Braun art, very funny story about Ice and Guy Gardner). This might be the funniest single issue of a comic I've ever read. Guy takes Ice on a date, but lets her pick the place. Things go very, very wrong, thanks to help from Beetle and Booster.

JLE 23-25 (Bart Sears art, Crimson fox origin)

JUSTICE LEAGUE QUARTERLY 5
PLEASE NOTE: I highly recommend reading JLIQ 5 at this point. It was actually released amid the "Breakdowns" crossover, but the stories chronologically fit better here, with only the Global Guardians story being an exception. There is an Ivo story, a Fire and Ice story, a Global Guardians story, and a General Glory story, which makes a perfect intro to the next storyline, "Glory Bound".

"GLORY BOUND"
JLA 46-47
JLIQ 3 (MUST READ!!)
In this story, the heroes travel across dimensions and back in time. They first visit the world the extremists are from, and see even more marvel parodies, then back in time to witness one of the earliest meetings of the original JLA. Captain Atom forbids Wally to make their presence known by communicating with Barry Allen.

Supplemental reading:

Secret Origins 33 (Martian Manhunter, Fire, Ice)
Secret Origins 34 (Rocket Red, Captain Atom, G'nort)
Secret Origins 35 (Martian Manhunter, Max Lord, Booster Gold)
Captain Atom #20 (reveals how Captain Atom manipulated Beetle, and is the source of Beetle's distrust of him)
Booster Gold #22 an interesting, tragic issue.
Marvel comics: WHAT THE?!?!?! #7, a good parody of the JLA and the Avengers.

Mister Miracle series (JM DeMatteis)
Dr Fate Miniseries and on going (Giffen, DeMatteis)

_____________________________________

INDEX PART 3

It is at this time, immediately after JLA 52, that the Breakdowns storyline begins. This is basically a dismantling of the whole Justice League International concept, and of Giffen/DeMatteis's ideas for the books. "Breakdowns" runs through JLA, JLE, and some issues of GREEN LANTERN, and is mixed up with DC's ARMAGEDDON 2001 and WAR OF THE GODS crossovers. Overall, a big mess, with revolving artists and odd ideas.

BREAKDOWNS properly begins in JLA 52, in which Beetle and Guy try to settle their differences in a boxing match, which ends in disaster. Then, on the last page, Maxwell Lord is shot by an unknown assassin.

After that, the members end up in turmoil as the UN appoints a secretary, based on former UN secretary general Kurt Waldheim, to supervise them (who might have been interesting at least on a villainous level if he wasn't drawn so silly looking). Throughout breakdowns the leagues also come in to conflict with the Queen Bee of Bialya, Despero, Lobo, and the extremists, and get embroiled in the ARMAGEDDON2001 and the WAR OF THE GODS crossover events. Breakdowns checklist is as follows:

JLA 53
JLE 29
JLA 54
JLE 30
JLA 55
JLE 31
JLA 56 (Green Lantern 18 ties in to this issue. Awesome cover.)
JLE 32
JLA 57
JLE 33
JLA 58
JLE 34
JLA 59
JLE 35
JLA 60 (Kevin Maguire art)
JLE 36

This would end the Giffen/DeMatteis era. What would happen next would be a relaunch of the JLA and JLE titles, With Superman, Batman, Maxima, and (sporadically) Wonder Woman joining JLA, and Aquaman, Hal Jordan, and the female Dr. Light joining JLE. Beetle, Booster, Fire, Ice, Metamorpho, Crimson Fox and the Elongated Man remained on their respective teams. Dan Jurgens handled the art and writing on JLA, Gerard Jones wrote and Ron Randall Drew JLE. ARMAGEDDON: INFERNO (in which the original JSA return from DC’s Asgard) and ECLIPSO: THE DARKNESS WITHIN (which features some killer Bart Sears art and a chilling Giffen penned story) both occur during this era.

Related to Breakdowns, The following issues are good reads:

ARMAGEDDON 2001: This story involved a time traveling energy hero, Waverider, who came from the future to prevent the rise of a super-powered despot called Monarch. All Waverider knew was that Monarch was one of our present day heroes, so he went around touching each hero and reading their possible futures. Each title released an annual showing what Waverider saw for each hero.

ARMAGEDDON 2001 #1
JLA annual 5 (Maguire, Sprouse, Jurgens guest art)
FLASH annual 4
JLE annual 2 (Marshall Rogers, Giffen, Curt Swan art, leads into A2001 #2)
ARMAGEDDON 2001 #2.

After Breakdowns is over, Maguire returns for a farewell issue, JLA #60, date March 92. Jonn Jonnz leaves the league and earth.

A GUY AND HIS GNORT was a storyline that ran in the Post-Crisis GREEN LANTERN series, issues #9-12, 1991. It pre-dates "BREAKDOWNS by a couple of months, but adds a little focus to the whole "tearing down the house" thing, and makes kind of a good addition. The story involves Guy reluctantly saddled with poor G'nort, as they discover a plot by the weaponers of Qward, who've infiltrated G'nort's home planet. Guy gets to let loose and really kick some tail.

Post-Breakdowns, Gerard Jones (in addition to continuing on Green Lantern), would write an outstanding second GL title, GREEN LANTERN: MOSAIC, starring John Stewart, with art by Cully Hamner. This series fcused on John’s struggle to maintain security on the Mosaic world, where a mad Guardian had placed several abducted cities from different planets. All the different alien races had a great deal of difficulty getting along, and John had to use his head to avert catastrophe and get the different races to connect peacefully. This overlooked series was wonderful, with every issue being something special. Readers of the Giffen/DeMatteis/Jones era in search of the same kind of quality and intelligence should check this out.

Giffen would focus his energies on his LEGION OF THE SUPERHEROES revamp, a complicated, intriguing take on the destruction of a society. DeMatteis would return to Marvel and do some amazing work on SPECTACULAR SPIDERMAN with incredible artwork by Sal Buscema, best showcased in his initial arc, “The Child Within”.

Finally, these are some good post "breakdowns" issues worth reading:

ELONGATED MAN. A 4 issue miniseries by Gerard Jones and the late Mike Parobeck, showcasing Ralph and Sue as they vacation in Europe and run afoul of Sonar. This sonar is different from the Sonar featured in JLA 43-44, and is best viewed as a more dangerous cousin.

Justice League Quarterly #6 features a good short story by John Ostrander about how Beetle gets motivated to lose weight.

Justice League Task Force 7-8 (Peter David, Sal Velluto) An all female team has a conflict with an all female alien race. Jonn Jonnz must switch genders.

Martian Manhunter 24
JLA Incarnations 5-6
(Both written by John Ostrander, homages to the Giffen DeMatteis era)

1998 JLA 80 page Giant #1 (contains a new flashback story by Giffen, DeMatteis, and Maguire, relates back to JL #5, 1986)

Suicide Squad (2001) #1
Giffen, Paco Medina. The return of the Injustice Society, later Justice League Antarctica, now Suicide Squad. Actually, this whole series is very good, and highly recommended.

And of course, the triumphant return, more than a decade later:
FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE
JLA CLASSIFIED: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT THE JUSTICE LEAGUE.

Both miniseries were handled by Giffen, DeMatteis, and Kevin Maguire. Max, L-Ron, Booster, Beetle, Guy, and Fire, Ralph, and Sue all reunite to try out superheroing as a service industry. Unfortunately, any hopes these miniseries raised for an ongoing were crushed by DC’s odd decision to kill off many characters connected with the Giffen/DeMatteis/Jones era, including, Sue Dibny, Blue Beetle, Rocket Red, and Max Lord. In fact, most of these deaths had already taken place before the JLA CLASSIFIED:ICBINTJL miniseries was released.

Giffen, DeMatteis, and Maguire would soon after produce a six issue miniseries at Marvel, THE DEFENDERS, featuring that group’s “Big 4” line up of Dr. Strange, the Hulk, Namor, and the Silver Surfer. Giffen and Dematteis had both done some of their earliest work Marvel’s DEFENDERS title in the late 70’s and early 80’s.